My testimony as an ex-JoS member.

[Fluxinella Stellaris]

of course it reached you,
when i want something done it gets done.

Yes i did scrutinize your career, it's not to say that you're stupid, you're a smart person.
The reality is like i told you before, that you lack awareness.

You're smart enough to make the right decisions, but you make your decisions based on what you know and there's a lot of things you don't know, which is why your decisions lead to errors and problems.

How are you going to nurture people anyways? if you're going to nurture someone you need to understand people on an emotional level, how can you do that when you don't even understand your own emotions?

you got 2 links, if you read my other post you'd know that:
"a lack of hatred is not love, a lack of hatred is 'tolerance'
Tolerance is the passivity that harms, to much tolerance can lead to one being abused and having their rights infringed upon."
you clearly lack hatred because if you had any you wouldn't have taken the abuse that you did.

you said: "Clearly you're not my friend" well you probably don't know what a friend is then.
I'm not going to be going to tell you a bunch of a pretty little lies for the sake of being 'nice'. i tell you things as they are, there's no fake kindness with me, if fake stuff is what you consider to be a friend, then yes i am not your friend. ♪
which makes me wonder how many 'real' friends do you have?

"it's plain as day to me now how delusional some of the people at JoS are" Well you certainly took your time to realize that, didn't you?


"So what am I supposed to do then?" Yea good question.
You don't really need to tell me how many groups you left, when we 1st meet i saw right through you and i told you what you were searching for.
Everyone needs a place to belong where they can express themselves for who they are, a 'home'.
i gave that to you but you walked away for it, so yea? what are you supposed to do now?

Not sure why you even bothered coming here acting all kool saying things like: "I dOn't TrUsT yOu, AnD i WoN'T fOlLoW yOuR aDvIcE uNlEsS iT sEeMs SaFe AnD rEaSoNaBlE. bUt SiNcE i Do ReCoGnIsE tHaT tHeRe's A pRoBlEm, I'Ll HeAr WhAt YoU hAvE tO sAy At LeAsT."
I know for a fact that you wouldn't have even bothered coming here unless you were going through hell.

whether you trust my advise or not is irrelevant, because I'm not the one who needs it right now.
if you want someone to bail you out of whatever trouble you've gotten yourself into, just say that.

What do you know about boundaries anyways?
you clearly have none.
You went there and let actual deranged people tell you that you're deranged, and your response was to thank them and say they're correct.
you tucked your tail in between your legs and found a nice corner to hide in, years ago you were abused then you went back to be abused again,
and now you want to come talking to me acting all kool? you clearly have no respect for me nor my boundaries.

The only reason why you act kool when talking to me now is because I've been generous and nice to you, which you seem to take advantage of.


So why should i help you? you don't even see me as a friend, so I see no reason why I should help you right now.

"Talking to you will just get me in trouble," but you're already in trouble, aren't you? if you weren't you would not be here right now.
Life ain't easy and trouble is inevitable.
I guess you haven't realized it yet, have you?
Freedom ain't free.

You say things as they are? Right, so that's why you told me it's very important that I keep my dick and stick it in a woman, because if I don't, some ancient evil will win? And if I ask you what the fuck you're on about, you say the same old cryptic nonsense that boils down to "just trust me bro, I've got entities on my side"? To me, you seem equally deranged as NakedPluto. Both of you live in your own fantasy world, and that's why I can't get along with either of you. There is nothing I care about more than physical reality, and my spiritual practices have always been for the sake of controlling real outcomes and improving my mental health; nothing else.

I've been acting in accordance to my premonitions, and thus nothing unexpected has happened for the past year or so. "You must be going through hell?" I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap. You remind me of Tabby who claimed I was suffering so much that she just couldn't bear it. Of course, people are free to think whatever they want about me, but when that is directly contradicting my own lived experience, I am also free to look down on them for the naïve fools they clearly are. What else am I supposed to think, mister? It's simply in human nature to project your own feelings on others, and you're obviously no exception.

However, it's true that I don't know what a friend is. That's something I've always struggled to understand since I was little. Throughout my life there have been numerous people to call me their friend, and sometimes I called them that too, but then over even the slightest issues I'd conclude that they weren't my friends after all. The only reason I even still have friends at the moment is because they're my husband's friends too, so I couldn't just cut contact with them whenever they disappointed me in one way or another. And I'm glad, as they're good people and I do enjoy their company usually. But when it comes to maintaining friendships on my own, I'm admittedly rather terrible at it. Well, I guess my autism is to blame for that. At least my husband has been doing his best to help me understand better what friendship is, but it's been a gradual process.

You're the same as always, as expected. I didn't think it was that much of a bother to simply click on a link and read your post, but now that you mention it, I realise it's my mentality that it isn't a bother that's the issue in the first place. That's the same reason I browse the JoS forums and put up with people's delusions there, which is even more of a bother than this. Your advice was useful to me, so "thank you".

And regarding cooperation, I've realised I can't help you after all, but it's not like you'd want to change anyway, just as I don't want to change either. Aren't we both having a blast just the way we like, anyway? You get to be a hero and fight all sorts of entities, and likewise I've seen my childhood dreams unfold too, albeit in a more material sense. Life goes on, so we better delight in the lives we chose.

I have to go now. My husband woke up and it's time to eat my favourite food, first literally and then figuratively too. Hehe.

Of course i say things as they are,
what about you?

As far as i know i didn't judge you, despite the delusional things you told me, but you certainly did judge me.

what sort of ancient evil are you talking about? the one in your so called 'past lives' the 'guardian' that had sex with you or something after you 'died'?
what sort of entities are you talking about anyways? is it the one who 'overpowered' and raped you?

"I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap."
Interesting, you certainly are quite the lair.

You're relaxed? yet you're going on a rant saying "the fuck i am on about" and the such, calling people delusional and such, despite all the delusional things that happened to you, i could go on about how you saw yourself "from the future as a fox with 9 tails" to help you get in touch with your "furry" side.

You mention people living in their fantasy world, yet you and your "husband" are simply gay try to convince yourselves that you're straight.
you told me your "husband" just somehow knew you were 'a girl' even though there's noting really feminine about you, your whole justification for wanting to be a girl is so that you and your "husband" can pretend to be straight, even though there's noting wrong with being gay.

regardless you don't seem to know what privacy is, but don't worry i won't say the really delusional stuff you told me.

For the most part it seems like you're venting frustration, for someone who says they're 'relax' you sure type as if you're stressed.
"I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap.", "I have to go now. My husband woke up and it's time to eat my favourite food, first literally and then figuratively too."
You really do like bringing up your personal life even though no one really cares about it, the thing is, you're trying to portray your current situation as 'fine and relaxed' even though the things you say and the way you type indicate the opposite.

If you were fine and relaxed, why mention your person life and bring it up? what're you trying to prove and to who?
If you were fine and relaxed why are you here? if you were fine you wouldn't even be speaking to me right now, nor would you even on here.

Wouldn't you be frustrated too if people constantly told lies about you? Maybe you wouldn't. But it irritates me a bit, although at the same time it amuses and invigorates me. In fact, I can't get enough? Indeed, it just makes sense.

You know how I doubted myself almost my whole life? And the likes of you and those at JoS really tried their hardest to reinforce those doubts. And yet I was right all along. It's plainly obvious by now, to the point that there's no room for doubt anymore. And that means you were all being retards about it, all along! Can you imagine? Hahahaha! No, you've got your head too far stuck up your ass.

And so I proved myself right, but no one cares. I'm ecstatic, my family is happy for me, but when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry. Because these pieces of shit tried to send me down a path I would've regretted forever, just for the sake of their own self-righteousness. You know what a manly, conflict-thirsting woman I am; there's no way I can forgive their misplaced arrogance.

If I stop participating and playing along with their retarded nonsense, that means I'm letting go and forgiving them. You think that's right? I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy while I look down on them with a condescending smirk. But that does stress me out a bit, and for what?

I should really just listen to my husband and move on. It's not like it matters anymore now anyway, and I can just invoke earth to calm myself down since I've cleared the blockage in regards to that. I just need some time to process it all, really.

[Celeste AikoGal]

Thank you for sharing. Keep healing yourself and I wish you all the best

thank you. ^^

[Fluxinella Stellaris]

...

I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying. But annoying me was probably your intention anyway, so it's not as if you'd care.

It's true that I've not been great at discerning whether or not people are my friends, but in your case I think the answer is pretty obvious. I'd say "it's obvious from this interaction alone", but about half of our interactions have been like this, so that would be an understatement. But experiencing it again, I also realise how much worse the others have been, and that's something I won't overlook anymore now.

I meant everything I wrote, about wanting to be helpful to people, and the anger I've been repressing. There was never any way around this outcome, but life goes on, so I will focus on the good things from now on. I'm still as bad at socialising as always, but in the end it didn't matter. Despite the damage caused by others, I still stayed true to myself and my convictions, and in the end, I was blessed with prosperity, and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago. And for that, I will always hail Satan, for the path He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself, so that I could grow and heal.

Hail Satan, and hail all the Gods and Goddesses of Hell!

[Awesomeness]

I am not a Christian anymore thinking in black and white and good and evil. However you should listen to my wisdom family. Come back to us. We welcome you with open arms and will nurture you in your spiritual journey. You don't need to like everyone on the forums but everyone has a place. At the Joy of Satan all is awesomeness and happy. So smile.

Open yourself up to new things but keep some of the old ones in your journey. Your home is not here it's on the other site.

[KorvusTheRaven]

I am not a Christian anymore thinking in black and white and good and evil. However you should listen to my wisdom family. Come back to us. We welcome you with open arms and will nurture you in your spiritual journey. You don't need to like everyone on the forums but everyone has a place. At the Joy of Satan all is awesomeness and happy. So smile.

Open yourself up to new things but keep some of the old ones in your journey. Your home is not here it's on the other site.

That sounds even more cultlike than your narcissistic appeals to power.

Of course, nobody's going to listen to "We're literally gods incarnate and we're going to Thanos the fuck out of all of you with just the snap of our fingers" so you reverted to the Christian appeal of "You will be happy if you give up your free will, spiritual, and mental autonomy to the Lord Your God Commander Cobra"

Get fucked.

[BirdofFreedom]

You say things as they are? Right, so that's why you told me it's very important that I keep my dick and stick it in a woman, because if I don't, some ancient evil will win? And if I ask you what the fuck you're on about, you say the same old cryptic nonsense that boils down to "just trust me bro, I've got entities on my side"? To me, you seem equally deranged as NakedPluto. Both of you live in your own fantasy world, and that's why I can't get along with either of you. There is nothing I care about more than physical reality, and my spiritual practices have always been for the sake of controlling real outcomes and improving my mental health; nothing else.

I've been acting in accordance to my premonitions, and thus nothing unexpected has happened for the past year or so. "You must be going through hell?" I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap. You remind me of Tabby who claimed I was suffering so much that she just couldn't bear it. Of course, people are free to think whatever they want about me, but when that is directly contradicting my own lived experience, I am also free to look down on them for the naïve fools they clearly are. What else am I supposed to think, mister? It's simply in human nature to project your own feelings on others, and you're obviously no exception.

However, it's true that I don't know what a friend is. That's something I've always struggled to understand since I was little. Throughout my life there have been numerous people to call me their friend, and sometimes I called them that too, but then over even the slightest issues I'd conclude that they weren't my friends after all. The only reason I even still have friends at the moment is because they're my husband's friends too, so I couldn't just cut contact with them whenever they disappointed me in one way or another. And I'm glad, as they're good people and I do enjoy their company usually. But when it comes to maintaining friendships on my own, I'm admittedly rather terrible at it. Well, I guess my autism is to blame for that. At least my husband has been doing his best to help me understand better what friendship is, but it's been a gradual process.

You're the same as always, as expected. I didn't think it was that much of a bother to simply click on a link and read your post, but now that you mention it, I realise it's my mentality that it isn't a bother that's the issue in the first place. That's the same reason I browse the JoS forums and put up with people's delusions there, which is even more of a bother than this. Your advice was useful to me, so "thank you".

And regarding cooperation, I've realised I can't help you after all, but it's not like you'd want to change anyway, just as I don't want to change either. Aren't we both having a blast just the way we like, anyway? You get to be a hero and fight all sorts of entities, and likewise I've seen my childhood dreams unfold too, albeit in a more material sense. Life goes on, so we better delight in the lives we chose.

I have to go now. My husband woke up and it's time to eat my favourite food, first literally and then figuratively too. Hehe.

Of course i say things as they are,
what about you?

As far as i know i didn't judge you, despite the delusional things you told me, but you certainly did judge me.

what sort of ancient evil are you talking about? the one in your so called 'past lives' the 'guardian' that had sex with you or something after you 'died'?
what sort of entities are you talking about anyways? is it the one who 'overpowered' and raped you?

"I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap."
Interesting, you certainly are quite the lair.

You're relaxed? yet you're going on a rant saying "the fuck i am on about" and the such, calling people delusional and such, despite all the delusional things that happened to you, i could go on about how you saw yourself "from the future as a fox with 9 tails" to help you get in touch with your "furry" side.

You mention people living in their fantasy world, yet you and your "husband" are simply gay try to convince yourselves that you're straight.
you told me your "husband" just somehow knew you were 'a girl' even though there's noting really feminine about you, your whole justification for wanting to be a girl is so that you and your "husband" can pretend to be straight, even though there's noting wrong with being gay.

regardless you don't seem to know what privacy is, but don't worry i won't say the really delusional stuff you told me.

For the most part it seems like you're venting frustration, for someone who says they're 'relax' you sure type as if you're stressed.
"I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap.", "I have to go now. My husband woke up and it's time to eat my favourite food, first literally and then figuratively too."
You really do like bringing up your personal life even though no one really cares about it, the thing is, you're trying to portray your current situation as 'fine and relaxed' even though the things you say and the way you type indicate the opposite.

If you were fine and relaxed, why mention your person life and bring it up? what're you trying to prove and to who?
If you were fine and relaxed why are you here? if you were fine you wouldn't even be speaking to me right now, nor would you even on here.

Wouldn't you be frustrated too if people constantly told lies about you? Maybe you wouldn't. But it irritates me a bit, although at the same time it amuses and invigorates me. In fact, I can't get enough? Indeed, it just makes sense.

You know how I doubted myself almost my whole life? And the likes of you and those at JoS really tried their hardest to reinforce those doubts. And yet I was right all along. It's plainly obvious by now, to the point that there's no room for doubt anymore. And that means you were all being retards about it, all along! Can you imagine? Hahahaha! No, you've got your head too far stuck up your ass.

And so I proved myself right, but no one cares. I'm ecstatic, my family is happy for me, but when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry. Because these pieces of shit tried to send me down a path I would've regretted forever, just for the sake of their own self-righteousness. You know what a manly, conflict-thirsting woman I am; there's no way I can forgive their misplaced arrogance.

If I stop participating and playing along with their retarded nonsense, that means I'm letting go and forgiving them. You think that's right? I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy while I look down on them with a condescending smirk. But that does stress me out a bit, and for what?

I should really just listen to my husband and move on. It's not like it matters anymore now anyway, and I can just invoke earth to calm myself down since I've cleared the blockage in regards to that. I just need some time to process it all, really.

...

I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying. But annoying me was probably your intention anyway, so it's not as if you'd care.

It's true that I've not been great at discerning whether or not people are my friends, but in your case I think the answer is pretty obvious. I'd say "it's obvious from this interaction alone", but about half of our interactions have been like this, so that would be an understatement. But experiencing it again, I also realise how much worse the others have been, and that's something I won't overlook anymore now.

I meant everything I wrote, about wanting to be helpful to people, and the anger I've been repressing. There was never any way around this outcome, but life goes on, so I will focus on the good things from now on. I'm still as bad at socialising as always, but in the end it didn't matter. Despite the damage caused by others, I still stayed true to myself and my convictions, and in the end, I was blessed with prosperity, and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago. And for that, I will always hail Satan, for the path He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself, so that I could grow and heal.

Hail Satan, and hail all the Gods and Goddesses of Hell!

"Wouldn't you be frustrated too if people constantly told lies about you?"
Oh? So you are frustrated? and yea i would be.

"But it irritates me a bit,"
That's an understatement.

"But it irritates me a bit, although at the same time it amuses and invigorates me. In fact, I can't get enough? Indeed, it just makes sense."
Really? what's sensible about that?

"You know how I doubted myself almost my whole life?"
i know.

"And the likes of you and those at JoS really tried their hardest to reinforce those doubts."
Even though i was the one to get you out of the jos, and thanks i get that for that? you spewing a bunch of nonsense at me.

"And yet I was right all along. It's plainly obvious by now, to the point that there's no room for doubt anymore. And that means you were all being retards about it, all along! Can you imagine? Hahahaha! No, you've got your head too far stuck up your ass."
lol, how that does make you 'right'?
I got my head up my ass? isn't that you though? you just said "And yet I was right all along ... And that means you were all being retards about it," the thing is you consider everyone that doesn't align with your views to be wrong, you don't want 'real' friends you want fake people to shower you with pretty little lies all the time to feed your own delusions.
You're concerned with being 'right' and being one that's correct, you spin a bunch of lies to appear in a way that you're not, you're concerned with appearances, because if you weren't concerned with appearances and how people perceive you, you'd have just PM'd me instead of writing your rants publicly, you did so because you wanted people to see it.

"but when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry."
you lump me in the same position as them, i guess you really can't see differences in people, you only want to hear things that're in line with what you think and things that support your fantasy.

"You know what a manly, conflict-thirsting woman I am; there's no way I can forgive their misplaced arrogance."
What's manly about you? what's conflict thirsting about you?
someone said you have a "sissy deranged mind" and you told em thanks, you went in all sorts of places, acting all nice and avoiding conflict where you can just for the approval of others.

Also what's feminine about you? you don't understand your emotions, your emotions make you feel uncomfortable so you try to shove it somewhere deep inside of you to where you can't feel them anymore.
How are you going to nurture people when you run from your own emotions? you don't understand your own emotions now you want to pretend that you can understand that of others?

"If I stop participating and playing along with their retarded nonsense, that means I'm letting go and forgiving them. You think that's right? I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy while I look down on them with a condescending smirk. But that does stress me out a bit, and for what?"
So you see yourself as a fake person that pretends to be friends with someone only to look down on them? makes me wonder if that's how those fake people you surround yourself with see you.

And yea i guess it does stress you out, considering you said "spending too much time on JoS will eventually deteriorate my mental health" and "when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry."

Also how would playing along with them equate to not "letting go and forgiving them"? seems like you're trying to find excuses to justify being there and the abuse.


"I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying. But annoying me was probably your intention anyway, so it's not as if you'd care."
Really? and what's so terrible about it.
What do you know about caring for people anyways? you can pretend to know me and know my intentions, but if you really knew me, you'd know you shouldn't have lied to me.

"but in your case I think the answer is pretty obvious. I'd say "it's obvious from this interaction alone""
What's obvious about it? you came here and spun a web of lies, made yourself appear to be someone you're not, pretending you're fine when you're not.
Like i said before, when someone doesn't play along your lines and points out your bullshit you push them away for your own comfort because you always run from your problems.
That's why you don't have 'real' friends, because when someone tries to set your mind straight you say they 'have their head up their ass' and they're retarded, you believe you know best in everything, is that why your life is such a mess? if you really knew best then why are you feeling the way you are right now and saying the things that you are?

"I meant everything I wrote, about wanting to be helpful to people"
You want to help people? honestly? why don't you start with yourself then.

"I was blessed with prosperity"
We both know what happened to the money you had, and what happened when you tried to get some of it back.
Why do you lie so much?

"and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago."
Such as?

" I will always hail Satan, for the path He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself,"

"Satan gives us strength they don't have. I look at them and see how weak most of them are, how they are needy and dependent on the approval of others. This sort of thing leads them to Christianity in the first place. Satan, by his nature walks alone. There is no petty ass-kissing or conforming to the "expectations" and standards of others."

What sort of strength do you have? you went in all sorts of groups, took insults from them and told em thanks.
you went back in places where people insulted you and abused and acted all nice just to fit in.

You make up all sorts of stories about yourself to seem like a person you're not, what I'm trying to say is that you're quite fake, you even admitted to being fake when you said "I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy". So what sort of strength do you have? is this the strength Satan 'bestowed' on you?

• "I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap."
• "My husband woke up and it's time to eat my favourite food, first literally and then figuratively too."
• "And so I proved myself right, but no one cares. I'm ecstatic, my family is happy for me,"
• "Spending time with my family, husband and friends is relaxing and fulfilling and all,"
• "I was blessed with prosperity, and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago."
• "He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself, so that I could grow and heal."

That're some examples of the image you want to portray to people and how you want them to view you, it's also how you a wish to be right now.
'A person that's relaxed, satisfied and with fulfilling relationships.'

Thing is, if you were satisfied with your current relationships you wouldn't be going to all those places, acting all fake, lying about yourself, taking insults just to get the approval of others.

So what sort of miracles did you receive?
"But those who keep my secrets shall receive the fulfillment of my promises." - Satan, al-jilwah.
What do you know about keeping secrets? you talk a lot of shit saying all sorts of things about me, like i said, if you weren't here for attention, to play the victim, and to portray yourself as someone you're not, you would have PMed me, so why'd you feel the need to talk about all your issues like that? is that some sort of plea for help?

"I didn't think it was that much of a bother to simply click on a link and read your post,"
Yet you're here and yet you made a bunch of replies to me.
You try to portray yourself as someone who's aloof and distant, yet if you were, you wouldn't be here, clearly you 'bothered'.
You push people away like that to maintain some sort of false image of yourself then you wonder why you don't have any genuine friends.

You also spew out some insults at me, acting like you know me.
What if I'm with Satan? what if I'm with the same gods you 'claim' to be with?

"When we make friends with the Demons, they often visit revenge upon those whose intention is to wrong us, and they also watch our backs."

"Those who throw curses at or slander other Satanists will invite the wrath of Beelzebub. Beelzebub handles those who create problems and disunity and the consequences can be quite unpleasant."

At the end of the day, who has your back?
and why are you talking so much shit?

"I should really just listen to my husband and move on."
If you could've moved on you, you'd have done so a long time ago.

" I can just invoke earth to calm myself down "
What? you think that's like some sort of drug you can take to push your emotions away?
That hatred in you will always find a way to come out, no matter much you run away from it, it'll keep coming until you let it out, even if it has to eat you from the inside out.

[Fluxinella Stellaris]

Of course i say things as they are,
what about you?

As far as i know i didn't judge you, despite the delusional things you told me, but you certainly did judge me.

what sort of ancient evil are you talking about? the one in your so called 'past lives' the 'guardian' that had sex with you or something after you 'died'?
what sort of entities are you talking about anyways? is it the one who 'overpowered' and raped you?

"I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap."
Interesting, you certainly are quite the lair.

You're relaxed? yet you're going on a rant saying "the fuck i am on about" and the such, calling people delusional and such, despite all the delusional things that happened to you, i could go on about how you saw yourself "from the future as a fox with 9 tails" to help you get in touch with your "furry" side.

You mention people living in their fantasy world, yet you and your "husband" are simply gay try to convince yourselves that you're straight.
you told me your "husband" just somehow knew you were 'a girl' even though there's noting really feminine about you, your whole justification for wanting to be a girl is so that you and your "husband" can pretend to be straight, even though there's noting wrong with being gay.

regardless you don't seem to know what privacy is, but don't worry i won't say the really delusional stuff you told me.

For the most part it seems like you're venting frustration, for someone who says they're 'relax' you sure type as if you're stressed.
"I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap.", "I have to go now. My husband woke up and it's time to eat my favourite food, first literally and then figuratively too."
You really do like bringing up your personal life even though no one really cares about it, the thing is, you're trying to portray your current situation as 'fine and relaxed' even though the things you say and the way you type indicate the opposite.

If you were fine and relaxed, why mention your person life and bring it up? what're you trying to prove and to who?
If you were fine and relaxed why are you here? if you were fine you wouldn't even be speaking to me right now, nor would you even on here.

Wouldn't you be frustrated too if people constantly told lies about you? Maybe you wouldn't. But it irritates me a bit, although at the same time it amuses and invigorates me. In fact, I can't get enough? Indeed, it just makes sense.

You know how I doubted myself almost my whole life? And the likes of you and those at JoS really tried their hardest to reinforce those doubts. And yet I was right all along. It's plainly obvious by now, to the point that there's no room for doubt anymore. And that means you were all being retards about it, all along! Can you imagine? Hahahaha! No, you've got your head too far stuck up your ass.

And so I proved myself right, but no one cares. I'm ecstatic, my family is happy for me, but when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry. Because these pieces of shit tried to send me down a path I would've regretted forever, just for the sake of their own self-righteousness. You know what a manly, conflict-thirsting woman I am; there's no way I can forgive their misplaced arrogance.

If I stop participating and playing along with their retarded nonsense, that means I'm letting go and forgiving them. You think that's right? I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy while I look down on them with a condescending smirk. But that does stress me out a bit, and for what?

I should really just listen to my husband and move on. It's not like it matters anymore now anyway, and I can just invoke earth to calm myself down since I've cleared the blockage in regards to that. I just need some time to process it all, really.

...

I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying. But annoying me was probably your intention anyway, so it's not as if you'd care.

It's true that I've not been great at discerning whether or not people are my friends, but in your case I think the answer is pretty obvious. I'd say "it's obvious from this interaction alone", but about half of our interactions have been like this, so that would be an understatement. But experiencing it again, I also realise how much worse the others have been, and that's something I won't overlook anymore now.

I meant everything I wrote, about wanting to be helpful to people, and the anger I've been repressing. There was never any way around this outcome, but life goes on, so I will focus on the good things from now on. I'm still as bad at socialising as always, but in the end it didn't matter. Despite the damage caused by others, I still stayed true to myself and my convictions, and in the end, I was blessed with prosperity, and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago. And for that, I will always hail Satan, for the path He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself, so that I could grow and heal.

Hail Satan, and hail all the Gods and Goddesses of Hell!

"Wouldn't you be frustrated too if people constantly told lies about you?"
Oh? So you are frustrated? and yea i would be.

"But it irritates me a bit,"
That's an understatement.

"But it irritates me a bit, although at the same time it amuses and invigorates me. In fact, I can't get enough? Indeed, it just makes sense."
Really? what's sensible about that?

"You know how I doubted myself almost my whole life?"
i know.

"And the likes of you and those at JoS really tried their hardest to reinforce those doubts."
Even though i was the one to get you out of the jos, and thanks i get that for that? you spewing a bunch of nonsense at me.

"And yet I was right all along. It's plainly obvious by now, to the point that there's no room for doubt anymore. And that means you were all being retards about it, all along! Can you imagine? Hahahaha! No, you've got your head too far stuck up your ass."
lol, how that does make you 'right'?
I got my head up my ass? isn't that you though? you just said "And yet I was right all along ... And that means you were all being retards about it," the thing is you consider everyone that doesn't align with your views to be wrong, you don't want 'real' friends you want fake people to shower you with pretty little lies all the time to feed your own delusions.
You're concerned with being 'right' and being one that's correct, you spin a bunch of lies to appear in a way that you're not, you're concerned with appearances, because if you weren't concerned with appearances and how people perceive you, you'd have just PM'd me instead of writing your rants publicly, you did so because you wanted people to see it.

"but when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry."
you lump me in the same position as them, i guess you really can't see differences in people, you only want to hear things that're in line with what you think and things that support your fantasy.

"You know what a manly, conflict-thirsting woman I am; there's no way I can forgive their misplaced arrogance."
What's manly about you? what's conflict thirsting about you?
someone said you have a "sissy deranged mind" and you told em thanks, you went in all sorts of places, acting all nice and avoiding conflict where you can just for the approval of others.

Also what's feminine about you? you don't understand your emotions, your emotions make you feel uncomfortable so you try to shove it somewhere deep inside of you to where you can't feel them anymore.
How are you going to nurture people when you run from your own emotions? you don't understand your own emotions now you want to pretend that you can understand that of others?

"If I stop participating and playing along with their retarded nonsense, that means I'm letting go and forgiving them. You think that's right? I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy while I look down on them with a condescending smirk. But that does stress me out a bit, and for what?"
So you see yourself as a fake person that pretends to be friends with someone only to look down on them? makes me wonder if that's how those fake people you surround yourself with see you.

And yea i guess it does stress you out, considering you said "spending too much time on JoS will eventually deteriorate my mental health" and "when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry."

Also how would playing along with them equate to not "letting go and forgiving them"? seems like you're trying to find excuses to justify being there and the abuse.


"I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying. But annoying me was probably your intention anyway, so it's not as if you'd care."
Really? and what's so terrible about it.
What do you know about caring for people anyways? you can pretend to know me and know my intentions, but if you really knew me, you'd know you shouldn't have lied to me.

"but in your case I think the answer is pretty obvious. I'd say "it's obvious from this interaction alone""
What's obvious about it? you came here and spun a web of lies, made yourself appear to be someone you're not, pretending you're fine when you're not.
Like i said before, when someone doesn't play along your lines and points out your bullshit you push them away for your own comfort because you always run from your problems.
That's why you don't have 'real' friends, because when someone tries to set your mind straight you say they 'have their head up their ass' and they're retarded, you believe you know best in everything, is that why your life is such a mess? if you really knew best then why are you feeling the way you are right now and saying the things that you are?

"I meant everything I wrote, about wanting to be helpful to people"
You want to help people? honestly? why don't you start with yourself then.

"I was blessed with prosperity"
We both know what happened to the money you had, and what happened when you tried to get some of it back.
Why do you lie so much?

"and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago."
Such as?

" I will always hail Satan, for the path He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself,"

"Satan gives us strength they don't have. I look at them and see how weak most of them are, how they are needy and dependent on the approval of others. This sort of thing leads them to Christianity in the first place. Satan, by his nature walks alone. There is no petty ass-kissing or conforming to the "expectations" and standards of others."

What sort of strength do you have? you went in all sorts of groups, took insults from them and told em thanks.
you went back in places where people insulted you and abused and acted all nice just to fit in.

You make up all sorts of stories about yourself to seem like a person you're not, what I'm trying to say is that you're quite fake, you even admitted to being fake when you said "I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy". So what sort of strength do you have? is this the strength Satan 'bestowed' on you?

• "I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap."
• "My husband woke up and it's time to eat my favourite food, first literally and then figuratively too."
• "And so I proved myself right, but no one cares. I'm ecstatic, my family is happy for me,"
• "Spending time with my family, husband and friends is relaxing and fulfilling and all,"
• "I was blessed with prosperity, and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago."
• "He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself, so that I could grow and heal."

That're some examples of the image you want to portray to people and how you want them to view you, it's also how you a wish to be right now.
'A person that's relaxed, satisfied and with fulfilling relationships.'

Thing is, if you were satisfied with your current relationships you wouldn't be going to all those places, acting all fake, lying about yourself, taking insults just to get the approval of others.

So what sort of miracles did you receive?
"But those who keep my secrets shall receive the fulfillment of my promises." - Satan, al-jilwah.
What do you know about keeping secrets? you talk a lot of shit saying all sorts of things about me, like i said, if you weren't here for attention, to play the victim, and to portray yourself as someone you're not, you would have PMed me, so why'd you feel the need to talk about all your issues like that? is that some sort of plea for help?

"I didn't think it was that much of a bother to simply click on a link and read your post,"
Yet you're here and yet you made a bunch of replies to me.
You try to portray yourself as someone who's aloof and distant, yet if you were, you wouldn't be here, clearly you 'bothered'.
You push people away like that to maintain some sort of false image of yourself then you wonder why you don't have any genuine friends.

You also spew out some insults at me, acting like you know me.
What if I'm with Satan? what if I'm with the same gods you 'claim' to be with?

"When we make friends with the Demons, they often visit revenge upon those whose intention is to wrong us, and they also watch our backs."

"Those who throw curses at or slander other Satanists will invite the wrath of Beelzebub. Beelzebub handles those who create problems and disunity and the consequences can be quite unpleasant."

At the end of the day, who has your back?
and why are you talking so much shit?

"I should really just listen to my husband and move on."
If you could've moved on you, you'd have done so a long time ago.

" I can just invoke earth to calm myself down "
What? you think that's like some sort of drug you can take to push your emotions away?
That hatred in you will always find a way to come out, no matter much you run away from it, it'll keep coming until you let it out, even if it has to eat you from the inside out.

Indeed, that €30k isn't coming back; it went either to Cobra who called me a reptilian and a whore for asking if I could have some of it back, or alternatively it could've gone to that kike who went missing, whom Cobra called his good friend with a "reputable business", apparently oblivious to what his "business" was (a cryptocurrency scam). When more information about that situation came out later and Cobra asked me for details, he said I should consider myself lucky that I at least have my life still.

Of course I was desolate. But it's also precisely because I didn't lose my life that it no longer matters. Some other situations ended up working in my favour which I saved a lot of money on, and other things that can't even be expressed in money worked out perfectly too. Furthermore, I used to be in a situation where I had serious motivation issues and no plans on how to earn any money, but through my personal growth over the past few years, I've managed to reach a point where I can at least work part time, and my husband found a good job too. Of course, we would be a lot wealthier if I still had that 30k, but at least I'm headed somewhere now.

I did think it was hilariously ironic that a nutcase like NakedPluto called my mind deranged and sissy, when his spiritual knowledge boils down to a bunch of hallucination-inducing party tricks, and he isn't even nearly as masculine as I am in terms of character. But I felt like it would just cause drama if I pointed that out, so instead, I mockingly thanked him, taking advantage of the fact that my tone isn't visible over text, to deescalate the matter. You can think what you want, but in my opinion that's better than throwing a fit about it.

I should clarify that while I used to be very hung up about masculinity and femininity, it's no longer important to me. I realised that in the first place, it was only a matter of whether my appearance lets me be seen as female by others, and being able to act on my sexual instincts in a straightforward manner, and both are fulfilled already. You always keep going on about your conceptions of what femininity is, so I wonder if you even noticed that I had negative mental associations with femininity, such as weakness or inferiority. I actively wanted to avoid that, rather than striving for it. But you've previously clarified why those associations are false, and I've come to realise what you meant for myself as well. I used to say cringy shit like, "wanting to be fucked in the pussy by someone I love and trust doesn't make me any less of a man", but I've since made peace with it and realised it doesn't matter if things make me "masculine" or "feminine" or whatever; I can just be however I like, and what matters is that it feels good.

The miracle I mentioned is that I can have offspring with my husband after all (but only with medical assistance when I feel ready, so I don't have to worry about unplanned pregnancy, which is a relief after the things Mother Lilith informed me about). But I wonder if calling it a miracle is a bit of a stretch, considering it's just due to the specifics of my body, and it's probably not got anything to do with the Gods or any of the workings I did. In fact, when I asked a deity for advice before I did one of my biokinesis workings a few years ago, I was told that there was "no need", but I didn't believe it until the doctors told me. I guess you really weren't kidding when you called me an aberration; but to me, considering my circumstances, it really does feel like a miracle.

Perhaps the reason I can't keep friends is because being fake just eats away at me over time, but being honest tends to turn people away. Even by you, I just feel very misunderstood, but I know I'm equally to blame. I'm equally bad at accepting my own feelings, as I am at explaining them to others. When it comes to my husband's friends, they're really just normies. Because of my looks and my voice, they never did end up realising that I transitioned; the only thing that really stands out about me anymore is my height, but I have aunts who are just as tall as me, so they assume it's just my Dutch heritage. And I guess the rest of my appearance works in my favour too. My shoulders are slimmer than my mother's, an expert said my vocal folds are unmasculined besides being long (giving extra range around the low parts), meaning I can sound clearly like either sex depending on what pitch I talk at, and my breasts are still growing ever since I did a working related to that a few years ago; they're almost three cup sizes bigger than they used to be, and they just keep going somehow. Not that I'm complaining, since I do think it suits someone of my stature in a way, but it's a bit funny to me that a simple working could be so effective when they were previously stuck at an A cup even after four years of hormone therapy.

Anyway, they're kind people, and they gave me practical advice when it came to finding a job, so I appreciate that. But I feel like they have no idea who I really am. But I'm scared of them finding out, after having seen so many people turn against me, so I end up acting rather shy and reserved around them even after all this time. Sometimes I feel an impulse to tell them about my secrets, but then I decide against it because I worry about how it might reflect on my husband. Most of the time I do treasure the feeling of normality I get to experience around them, as if I'm really just a normal person; but other times it leaves a part of me feeling so lonely that I end talking to you or going on the JoS forums or 4chan so I can just speak my mind. So I can't refute what you wrote in regards to that...

When I spend time with my hubby, that does help to take my mind off these things temporarily. But then when I'm alone or when he's asleep, I still find myself longing for mental stimulation. Perhaps the reason why I repressed my anger is because I want to think that the people at JoS are good people at heart, just having the wrong ideas about some things; and since they say they value Truth so deeply, I like to think that some day they'll come to understand everything. But when it comes down to it, I realise most of them are traditionalists who don't mean "present physical reality" when they speak of "Truth", but rather what they're used to or what they feel reality should be. I really do admire their ambition to promote Spiritual Satanism to a global scale, but with their current attitudes, they'll only appeal to a small minority of like-minded or desperate people. And ironically, it seems like they wouldn't have it any other way, so I have to question how seriously some of them really take their mission.

When I showed the forums to him once, he said the people there (in particular Jack) seem like they belong in a mental institute, and that he would prefer if I don't go on there... And that's without even seeing any of the numerous insults directed towards me. He would be livid if he knew what you and they have written about me; if I consider that, I feel rather guilty for subjecting myself to it, so I won't anymore. I feel really gross now thinking about the fact that I've been seeking out verbal abuse behind his back. He's always so kind and gentle to me, and I love that about him, so I think my behaviour goes to show that I still have a lot of healing to do. Blitzkreig recommended some workings, but I wasn't sure what I should use them for, but now I know.

You claim I won't be able to move on; what did you even have in mind then, that I join your discord server and try to fit in with the other misfits there? I've tried stuff like that before, but it just doesn't work for me. Not that I'm welcome anymore by now anyway, as I've pissed you off numerous times.

Rather, I think maybe it's time for me to accept that I'm just a woman now, and that it's okay to have normal friends, and that they don't need to know everything about me, just as I don't know everything about them either. And maybe instead of telling people on the internet obscure facts they don't need to know, I can find more productive ways to apply my knowledge of biology and sexology. You're right that I'll never be able to move on if I repress things. But it's also clear that I still have a lot of healing to do, and perhaps that will be sufficient. So as I turn my focus to that, I'll say goodbye to you, forever. Perhaps our paths were once fated to cross, but now they never will again, as there will no longer be any need. Or so I hope...

[BirdofFreedom]

Wouldn't you be frustrated too if people constantly told lies about you? Maybe you wouldn't. But it irritates me a bit, although at the same time it amuses and invigorates me. In fact, I can't get enough? Indeed, it just makes sense.

You know how I doubted myself almost my whole life? And the likes of you and those at JoS really tried their hardest to reinforce those doubts. And yet I was right all along. It's plainly obvious by now, to the point that there's no room for doubt anymore. And that means you were all being retards about it, all along! Can you imagine? Hahahaha! No, you've got your head too far stuck up your ass.

And so I proved myself right, but no one cares. I'm ecstatic, my family is happy for me, but when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry. Because these pieces of shit tried to send me down a path I would've regretted forever, just for the sake of their own self-righteousness. You know what a manly, conflict-thirsting woman I am; there's no way I can forgive their misplaced arrogance.

If I stop participating and playing along with their retarded nonsense, that means I'm letting go and forgiving them. You think that's right? I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy while I look down on them with a condescending smirk. But that does stress me out a bit, and for what?

I should really just listen to my husband and move on. It's not like it matters anymore now anyway, and I can just invoke earth to calm myself down since I've cleared the blockage in regards to that. I just need some time to process it all, really.

I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying. But annoying me was probably your intention anyway, so it's not as if you'd care.

It's true that I've not been great at discerning whether or not people are my friends, but in your case I think the answer is pretty obvious. I'd say "it's obvious from this interaction alone", but about half of our interactions have been like this, so that would be an understatement. But experiencing it again, I also realise how much worse the others have been, and that's something I won't overlook anymore now.

I meant everything I wrote, about wanting to be helpful to people, and the anger I've been repressing. There was never any way around this outcome, but life goes on, so I will focus on the good things from now on. I'm still as bad at socialising as always, but in the end it didn't matter. Despite the damage caused by others, I still stayed true to myself and my convictions, and in the end, I was blessed with prosperity, and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago. And for that, I will always hail Satan, for the path He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself, so that I could grow and heal.

Hail Satan, and hail all the Gods and Goddesses of Hell!

"Wouldn't you be frustrated too if people constantly told lies about you?"
Oh? So you are frustrated? and yea i would be.

"But it irritates me a bit,"
That's an understatement.

"But it irritates me a bit, although at the same time it amuses and invigorates me. In fact, I can't get enough? Indeed, it just makes sense."
Really? what's sensible about that?

"You know how I doubted myself almost my whole life?"
i know.

"And the likes of you and those at JoS really tried their hardest to reinforce those doubts."
Even though i was the one to get you out of the jos, and thanks i get that for that? you spewing a bunch of nonsense at me.

"And yet I was right all along. It's plainly obvious by now, to the point that there's no room for doubt anymore. And that means you were all being retards about it, all along! Can you imagine? Hahahaha! No, you've got your head too far stuck up your ass."
lol, how that does make you 'right'?
I got my head up my ass? isn't that you though? you just said "And yet I was right all along ... And that means you were all being retards about it," the thing is you consider everyone that doesn't align with your views to be wrong, you don't want 'real' friends you want fake people to shower you with pretty little lies all the time to feed your own delusions.
You're concerned with being 'right' and being one that's correct, you spin a bunch of lies to appear in a way that you're not, you're concerned with appearances, because if you weren't concerned with appearances and how people perceive you, you'd have just PM'd me instead of writing your rants publicly, you did so because you wanted people to see it.

"but when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry."
you lump me in the same position as them, i guess you really can't see differences in people, you only want to hear things that're in line with what you think and things that support your fantasy.

"You know what a manly, conflict-thirsting woman I am; there's no way I can forgive their misplaced arrogance."
What's manly about you? what's conflict thirsting about you?
someone said you have a "sissy deranged mind" and you told em thanks, you went in all sorts of places, acting all nice and avoiding conflict where you can just for the approval of others.

Also what's feminine about you? you don't understand your emotions, your emotions make you feel uncomfortable so you try to shove it somewhere deep inside of you to where you can't feel them anymore.
How are you going to nurture people when you run from your own emotions? you don't understand your own emotions now you want to pretend that you can understand that of others?

"If I stop participating and playing along with their retarded nonsense, that means I'm letting go and forgiving them. You think that's right? I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy while I look down on them with a condescending smirk. But that does stress me out a bit, and for what?"
So you see yourself as a fake person that pretends to be friends with someone only to look down on them? makes me wonder if that's how those fake people you surround yourself with see you.

And yea i guess it does stress you out, considering you said "spending too much time on JoS will eventually deteriorate my mental health" and "when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry."

Also how would playing along with them equate to not "letting go and forgiving them"? seems like you're trying to find excuses to justify being there and the abuse.


"I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying. But annoying me was probably your intention anyway, so it's not as if you'd care."
Really? and what's so terrible about it.
What do you know about caring for people anyways? you can pretend to know me and know my intentions, but if you really knew me, you'd know you shouldn't have lied to me.

"but in your case I think the answer is pretty obvious. I'd say "it's obvious from this interaction alone""
What's obvious about it? you came here and spun a web of lies, made yourself appear to be someone you're not, pretending you're fine when you're not.
Like i said before, when someone doesn't play along your lines and points out your bullshit you push them away for your own comfort because you always run from your problems.
That's why you don't have 'real' friends, because when someone tries to set your mind straight you say they 'have their head up their ass' and they're retarded, you believe you know best in everything, is that why your life is such a mess? if you really knew best then why are you feeling the way you are right now and saying the things that you are?

"I meant everything I wrote, about wanting to be helpful to people"
You want to help people? honestly? why don't you start with yourself then.

"I was blessed with prosperity"
We both know what happened to the money you had, and what happened when you tried to get some of it back.
Why do you lie so much?

"and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago."
Such as?

" I will always hail Satan, for the path He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself,"

"Satan gives us strength they don't have. I look at them and see how weak most of them are, how they are needy and dependent on the approval of others. This sort of thing leads them to Christianity in the first place. Satan, by his nature walks alone. There is no petty ass-kissing or conforming to the "expectations" and standards of others."

What sort of strength do you have? you went in all sorts of groups, took insults from them and told em thanks.
you went back in places where people insulted you and abused and acted all nice just to fit in.

You make up all sorts of stories about yourself to seem like a person you're not, what I'm trying to say is that you're quite fake, you even admitted to being fake when you said "I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy". So what sort of strength do you have? is this the strength Satan 'bestowed' on you?

• "I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap."
• "My husband woke up and it's time to eat my favourite food, first literally and then figuratively too."
• "And so I proved myself right, but no one cares. I'm ecstatic, my family is happy for me,"
• "Spending time with my family, husband and friends is relaxing and fulfilling and all,"
• "I was blessed with prosperity, and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago."
• "He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself, so that I could grow and heal."

That're some examples of the image you want to portray to people and how you want them to view you, it's also how you a wish to be right now.
'A person that's relaxed, satisfied and with fulfilling relationships.'

Thing is, if you were satisfied with your current relationships you wouldn't be going to all those places, acting all fake, lying about yourself, taking insults just to get the approval of others.

So what sort of miracles did you receive?
"But those who keep my secrets shall receive the fulfillment of my promises." - Satan, al-jilwah.
What do you know about keeping secrets? you talk a lot of shit saying all sorts of things about me, like i said, if you weren't here for attention, to play the victim, and to portray yourself as someone you're not, you would have PMed me, so why'd you feel the need to talk about all your issues like that? is that some sort of plea for help?

"I didn't think it was that much of a bother to simply click on a link and read your post,"
Yet you're here and yet you made a bunch of replies to me.
You try to portray yourself as someone who's aloof and distant, yet if you were, you wouldn't be here, clearly you 'bothered'.
You push people away like that to maintain some sort of false image of yourself then you wonder why you don't have any genuine friends.

You also spew out some insults at me, acting like you know me.
What if I'm with Satan? what if I'm with the same gods you 'claim' to be with?

"When we make friends with the Demons, they often visit revenge upon those whose intention is to wrong us, and they also watch our backs."

"Those who throw curses at or slander other Satanists will invite the wrath of Beelzebub. Beelzebub handles those who create problems and disunity and the consequences can be quite unpleasant."

At the end of the day, who has your back?
and why are you talking so much shit?

"I should really just listen to my husband and move on."
If you could've moved on you, you'd have done so a long time ago.

" I can just invoke earth to calm myself down "
What? you think that's like some sort of drug you can take to push your emotions away?
That hatred in you will always find a way to come out, no matter much you run away from it, it'll keep coming until you let it out, even if it has to eat you from the inside out.

Indeed, that €30k isn't coming back; it went either to Cobra who called me a reptilian and a whore for asking if I could have some of it back, or alternatively it could've gone to that kike who went missing, whom Cobra called his good friend with a "reputable business", apparently oblivious to what his "business" was (a cryptocurrency scam). When more information about that situation came out later and Cobra asked me for details, he said I should consider myself lucky that I at least have my life still.

Of course I was desolate. But it's also precisely because I didn't lose my life that it no longer matters. Some other situations ended up working in my favour which I saved a lot of money on, and other things that can't even be expressed in money worked out perfectly too. Furthermore, I used to be in a situation where I had serious motivation issues and no plans on how to earn any money, but through my personal growth over the past few years, I've managed to reach a point where I can at least work part time, and my husband found a good job too. Of course, we would be a lot wealthier if I still had that 30k, but at least I'm headed somewhere now.

I did think it was hilariously ironic that a nutcase like NakedPluto called my mind deranged and sissy, when his spiritual knowledge boils down to a bunch of hallucination-inducing party tricks, and he isn't even nearly as masculine as I am in terms of character. But I felt like it would just cause drama if I pointed that out, so instead, I mockingly thanked him, taking advantage of the fact that my tone isn't visible over text, to deescalate the matter. You can think what you want, but in my opinion that's better than throwing a fit about it.

I should clarify that while I used to be very hung up about masculinity and femininity, it's no longer important to me. I realised that in the first place, it was only a matter of whether my appearance lets me be seen as female by others, and being able to act on my sexual instincts in a straightforward manner, and both are fulfilled already. You always keep going on about your conceptions of what femininity is, so I wonder if you even noticed that I had negative mental associations with femininity, such as weakness or inferiority. I actively wanted to avoid that, rather than striving for it. But you've previously clarified why those associations are false, and I've come to realise what you meant for myself as well. I used to say cringy shit like, "wanting to be fucked in the pussy by someone I love and trust doesn't make me any less of a man", but I've since made peace with it and realised it doesn't matter if things make me "masculine" or "feminine" or whatever; I can just be however I like, and what matters is that it feels good.

The miracle I mentioned is that I can have offspring with my husband after all (but only with medical assistance when I feel ready, so I don't have to worry about unplanned pregnancy, which is a relief after the things Mother Lilith informed me about). But I wonder if calling it a miracle is a bit of a stretch, considering it's just due to the specifics of my body, and it's probably not got anything to do with the Gods or any of the workings I did. In fact, when I asked a deity for advice before I did one of my biokinesis workings a few years ago, I was told that there was "no need", but I didn't believe it until the doctors told me. I guess you really weren't kidding when you called me an aberration; but to me, considering my circumstances, it really does feel like a miracle.

Perhaps the reason I can't keep friends is because being fake just eats away at me over time, but being honest tends to turn people away. Even by you, I just feel very misunderstood, but I know I'm equally to blame. I'm equally bad at accepting my own feelings, as I am at explaining them to others. When it comes to my husband's friends, they're really just normies. Because of my looks and my voice, they never did end up realising that I transitioned; the only thing that really stands out about me anymore is my height, but I have aunts who are just as tall as me, so they assume it's just my Dutch heritage. And I guess the rest of my appearance works in my favour too. My shoulders are slimmer than my mother's, an expert said my vocal folds are unmasculined besides being long (giving extra range around the low parts), meaning I can sound clearly like either sex depending on what pitch I talk at, and my breasts are still growing ever since I did a working related to that a few years ago; they're almost three cup sizes bigger than they used to be, and they just keep going somehow. Not that I'm complaining, since I do think it suits someone of my stature in a way, but it's a bit funny to me that a simple working could be so effective when they were previously stuck at an A cup even after four years of hormone therapy.

Anyway, they're kind people, and they gave me practical advice when it came to finding a job, so I appreciate that. But I feel like they have no idea who I really am. But I'm scared of them finding out, after having seen so many people turn against me, so I end up acting rather shy and reserved around them even after all this time. Sometimes I feel an impulse to tell them about my secrets, but then I decide against it because I worry about how it might reflect on my husband. Most of the time I do treasure the feeling of normality I get to experience around them, as if I'm really just a normal person; but other times it leaves a part of me feeling so lonely that I end talking to you or going on the JoS forums or 4chan so I can just speak my mind. So I can't refute what you wrote in regards to that...

When I spend time with my hubby, that does help to take my mind off these things temporarily. But then when I'm alone or when he's asleep, I still find myself longing for mental stimulation. Perhaps the reason why I repressed my anger is because I want to think that the people at JoS are good people at heart, just having the wrong ideas about some things; and since they say they value Truth so deeply, I like to think that some day they'll come to understand everything. But when it comes down to it, I realise most of them are traditionalists who don't mean "present physical reality" when they speak of "Truth", but rather what they're used to or what they feel reality should be. I really do admire their ambition to promote Spiritual Satanism to a global scale, but with their current attitudes, they'll only appeal to a small minority of like-minded or desperate people. And ironically, it seems like they wouldn't have it any other way, so I have to question how seriously some of them really take their mission.

When I showed the forums to him once, he said the people there (in particular Jack) seem like they belong in a mental institute, and that he would prefer if I don't go on there... And that's without even seeing any of the numerous insults directed towards me. He would be livid if he knew what you and they have written about me; if I consider that, I feel rather guilty for subjecting myself to it, so I won't anymore. I feel really gross now thinking about the fact that I've been seeking out verbal abuse behind his back. He's always so kind and gentle to me, and I love that about him, so I think my behaviour goes to show that I still have a lot of healing to do. Blitzkreig recommended some workings, but I wasn't sure what I should use them for, but now I know.

You claim I won't be able to move on; what did you even have in mind then, that I join your discord server and try to fit in with the other misfits there? I've tried stuff like that before, but it just doesn't work for me. Not that I'm welcome anymore by now anyway, as I've pissed you off numerous times.

Rather, I think maybe it's time for me to accept that I'm just a woman now, and that it's okay to have normal friends, and that they don't need to know everything about me, just as I don't know everything about them either. And maybe instead of telling people on the internet obscure facts they don't need to know, I can find more productive ways to apply my knowledge of biology and sexology. You're right that I'll never be able to move on if I repress things. But it's also clear that I still have a lot of healing to do, and perhaps that will be sufficient. So as I turn my focus to that, I'll say goodbye to you, forever. Perhaps our paths were once fated to cross, but now they never will again, as there will no longer be any need. Or so I hope...

"Some other situations ended up working in my favour which I saved a lot of money on, and other things that can't even be expressed in money worked out perfectly too."
Am i supposed to be flattered that you consider this some sort of divine blessing? it's just another thing you never really gave me any appreciation for.

"The miracle I mentioned is that I can have offspring with my husband after all"
That's not a miracle that's surgery.
Assuming a transplanted uterus is even able to function properly within a male body, besides being fake you seem rather keen on carving out your own flesh and putting someone else's.

If it's even possible to give birth at our current technological level would that child even be 'yours' considering it came out of someone else's uterus.
Also your "husband" would technically be fucking someone else's uterus, as it's not really your flesh.

"When I showed the forums to him once, he said the people there (in particular Jack) seem like they belong in a mental institute,"
Thing is your husband also belongs in a mental institute.

"He would be livid if he knew what you and they have written about me;"
Ironic, considering most of the hate you get is indirectly because of him anyways.

4/5 of your posts here, you mentioned your husband, you can't seem to talk about yourself without mentioning him, which is mostly because he defines you.
You don't really have much of your own life going on, all your "friendly" association come from his friends.

Who are you without your husband? seemingly no one.
Without him you've pretty much have noting left.

Somehow your husband deluded himself into thinking you're a woman and thinking himself straight, mainly because he wants to be straight and wants to be seen as straight.
You'd do anything to hold onto to your husband, mainly because of how you struggled for acceptance and approval the majority of your life, you change into a woman mainly because he wants a woman, you simply deluded yourself into thinking that you wanted it.

you know that if you came out as a man, it'd cause a lot of problems among his social life and problems with his approval.

somehow you want to 'move on' yet your life is mainly defined by someone else?
want to move on? then let go of your husband.



And for the most part i don't want you around me right now.
Especially after you came in here talking a lot of shit.

"I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying."
I saw what they said to you , they hurt you i get that, but why'd you come here and take it out on me?
Ya, you're looking for someone to blame, i won't take it.

[Ipsissimus83]

"Wouldn't you be frustrated too if people constantly told lies about you?"
Oh? So you are frustrated? and yea i would be.

"But it irritates me a bit,"
That's an understatement.

"But it irritates me a bit, although at the same time it amuses and invigorates me. In fact, I can't get enough? Indeed, it just makes sense."
Really? what's sensible about that?

"You know how I doubted myself almost my whole life?"
i know.

"And the likes of you and those at JoS really tried their hardest to reinforce those doubts."
Even though i was the one to get you out of the jos, and thanks i get that for that? you spewing a bunch of nonsense at me.

"And yet I was right all along. It's plainly obvious by now, to the point that there's no room for doubt anymore. And that means you were all being retards about it, all along! Can you imagine? Hahahaha! No, you've got your head too far stuck up your ass."
lol, how that does make you 'right'?
I got my head up my ass? isn't that you though? you just said "And yet I was right all along ... And that means you were all being retards about it," the thing is you consider everyone that doesn't align with your views to be wrong, you don't want 'real' friends you want fake people to shower you with pretty little lies all the time to feed your own delusions.
You're concerned with being 'right' and being one that's correct, you spin a bunch of lies to appear in a way that you're not, you're concerned with appearances, because if you weren't concerned with appearances and how people perceive you, you'd have just PM'd me instead of writing your rants publicly, you did so because you wanted people to see it.

"but when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry."
you lump me in the same position as them, i guess you really can't see differences in people, you only want to hear things that're in line with what you think and things that support your fantasy.

"You know what a manly, conflict-thirsting woman I am; there's no way I can forgive their misplaced arrogance."
What's manly about you? what's conflict thirsting about you?
someone said you have a "sissy deranged mind" and you told em thanks, you went in all sorts of places, acting all nice and avoiding conflict where you can just for the approval of others.

Also what's feminine about you? you don't understand your emotions, your emotions make you feel uncomfortable so you try to shove it somewhere deep inside of you to where you can't feel them anymore.
How are you going to nurture people when you run from your own emotions? you don't understand your own emotions now you want to pretend that you can understand that of others?

"If I stop participating and playing along with their retarded nonsense, that means I'm letting go and forgiving them. You think that's right? I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy while I look down on them with a condescending smirk. But that does stress me out a bit, and for what?"
So you see yourself as a fake person that pretends to be friends with someone only to look down on them? makes me wonder if that's how those fake people you surround yourself with see you.

And yea i guess it does stress you out, considering you said "spending too much time on JoS will eventually deteriorate my mental health" and "when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry."

Also how would playing along with them equate to not "letting go and forgiving them"? seems like you're trying to find excuses to justify being there and the abuse.


"I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying. But annoying me was probably your intention anyway, so it's not as if you'd care."
Really? and what's so terrible about it.
What do you know about caring for people anyways? you can pretend to know me and know my intentions, but if you really knew me, you'd know you shouldn't have lied to me.

"but in your case I think the answer is pretty obvious. I'd say "it's obvious from this interaction alone""
What's obvious about it? you came here and spun a web of lies, made yourself appear to be someone you're not, pretending you're fine when you're not.
Like i said before, when someone doesn't play along your lines and points out your bullshit you push them away for your own comfort because you always run from your problems.
That's why you don't have 'real' friends, because when someone tries to set your mind straight you say they 'have their head up their ass' and they're retarded, you believe you know best in everything, is that why your life is such a mess? if you really knew best then why are you feeling the way you are right now and saying the things that you are?

"I meant everything I wrote, about wanting to be helpful to people"
You want to help people? honestly? why don't you start with yourself then.

"I was blessed with prosperity"
We both know what happened to the money you had, and what happened when you tried to get some of it back.
Why do you lie so much?

"and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago."
Such as?

" I will always hail Satan, for the path He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself,"

What sort of strength do you have? you went in all sorts of groups, took insults from them and told em thanks.
you went back in places where people insulted you and abused and acted all nice just to fit in.

You make up all sorts of stories about yourself to seem like a person you're not, what I'm trying to say is that you're quite fake, you even admitted to being fake when you said "I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy". So what sort of strength do you have? is this the strength Satan 'bestowed' on you?

• "I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap."
• "My husband woke up and it's time to eat my favourite food, first literally and then figuratively too."
• "And so I proved myself right, but no one cares. I'm ecstatic, my family is happy for me,"
• "Spending time with my family, husband and friends is relaxing and fulfilling and all,"
• "I was blessed with prosperity, and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago."
• "He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself, so that I could grow and heal."

That're some examples of the image you want to portray to people and how you want them to view you, it's also how you a wish to be right now.
'A person that's relaxed, satisfied and with fulfilling relationships.'

Thing is, if you were satisfied with your current relationships you wouldn't be going to all those places, acting all fake, lying about yourself, taking insults just to get the approval of others.

So what sort of miracles did you receive?
"But those who keep my secrets shall receive the fulfillment of my promises." - Satan, al-jilwah.
What do you know about keeping secrets? you talk a lot of shit saying all sorts of things about me, like i said, if you weren't here for attention, to play the victim, and to portray yourself as someone you're not, you would have PMed me, so why'd you feel the need to talk about all your issues like that? is that some sort of plea for help?

"I didn't think it was that much of a bother to simply click on a link and read your post,"
Yet you're here and yet you made a bunch of replies to me.
You try to portray yourself as someone who's aloof and distant, yet if you were, you wouldn't be here, clearly you 'bothered'.
You push people away like that to maintain some sort of false image of yourself then you wonder why you don't have any genuine friends.

You also spew out some insults at me, acting like you know me.
What if I'm with Satan? what if I'm with the same gods you 'claim' to be with?
At the end of the day, who has your back?
and why are you talking so much shit?

"I should really just listen to my husband and move on."
If you could've moved on you, you'd have done so a long time ago.

" I can just invoke earth to calm myself down "
What? you think that's like some sort of drug you can take to push your emotions away?
That hatred in you will always find a way to come out, no matter much you run away from it, it'll keep coming until you let it out, even if it has to eat you from the inside out.

Indeed, that €30k isn't coming back; it went either to Cobra who called me a reptilian and a whore for asking if I could have some of it back, or alternatively it could've gone to that kike who went missing, whom Cobra called his good friend with a "reputable business", apparently oblivious to what his "business" was (a cryptocurrency scam). When more information about that situation came out later and Cobra asked me for details, he said I should consider myself lucky that I at least have my life still.

Of course I was desolate. But it's also precisely because I didn't lose my life that it no longer matters. Some other situations ended up working in my favour which I saved a lot of money on, and other things that can't even be expressed in money worked out perfectly too. Furthermore, I used to be in a situation where I had serious motivation issues and no plans on how to earn any money, but through my personal growth over the past few years, I've managed to reach a point where I can at least work part time, and my husband found a good job too. Of course, we would be a lot wealthier if I still had that 30k, but at least I'm headed somewhere now.

I did think it was hilariously ironic that a nutcase like NakedPluto called my mind deranged and sissy, when his spiritual knowledge boils down to a bunch of hallucination-inducing party tricks, and he isn't even nearly as masculine as I am in terms of character. But I felt like it would just cause drama if I pointed that out, so instead, I mockingly thanked him, taking advantage of the fact that my tone isn't visible over text, to deescalate the matter. You can think what you want, but in my opinion that's better than throwing a fit about it.

I should clarify that while I used to be very hung up about masculinity and femininity, it's no longer important to me. I realised that in the first place, it was only a matter of whether my appearance lets me be seen as female by others, and being able to act on my sexual instincts in a straightforward manner, and both are fulfilled already. You always keep going on about your conceptions of what femininity is, so I wonder if you even noticed that I had negative mental associations with femininity, such as weakness or inferiority. I actively wanted to avoid that, rather than striving for it. But you've previously clarified why those associations are false, and I've come to realise what you meant for myself as well. I used to say cringy shit like, "wanting to be fucked in the pussy by someone I love and trust doesn't make me any less of a man", but I've since made peace with it and realised it doesn't matter if things make me "masculine" or "feminine" or whatever; I can just be however I like, and what matters is that it feels good.

The miracle I mentioned is that I can have offspring with my husband after all (but only with medical assistance when I feel ready, so I don't have to worry about unplanned pregnancy, which is a relief after the things Mother Lilith informed me about). But I wonder if calling it a miracle is a bit of a stretch, considering it's just due to the specifics of my body, and it's probably not got anything to do with the Gods or any of the workings I did. In fact, when I asked a deity for advice before I did one of my biokinesis workings a few years ago, I was told that there was "no need", but I didn't believe it until the doctors told me. I guess you really weren't kidding when you called me an aberration; but to me, considering my circumstances, it really does feel like a miracle.

Perhaps the reason I can't keep friends is because being fake just eats away at me over time, but being honest tends to turn people away. Even by you, I just feel very misunderstood, but I know I'm equally to blame. I'm equally bad at accepting my own feelings, as I am at explaining them to others. When it comes to my husband's friends, they're really just normies. Because of my looks and my voice, they never did end up realising that I transitioned; the only thing that really stands out about me anymore is my height, but I have aunts who are just as tall as me, so they assume it's just my Dutch heritage. And I guess the rest of my appearance works in my favour too. My shoulders are slimmer than my mother's, an expert said my vocal folds are unmasculined besides being long (giving extra range around the low parts), meaning I can sound clearly like either sex depending on what pitch I talk at, and my breasts are still growing ever since I did a working related to that a few years ago; they're almost three cup sizes bigger than they used to be, and they just keep going somehow. Not that I'm complaining, since I do think it suits someone of my stature in a way, but it's a bit funny to me that a simple working could be so effective when they were previously stuck at an A cup even after four years of hormone therapy.

Anyway, they're kind people, and they gave me practical advice when it came to finding a job, so I appreciate that. But I feel like they have no idea who I really am. But I'm scared of them finding out, after having seen so many people turn against me, so I end up acting rather shy and reserved around them even after all this time. Sometimes I feel an impulse to tell them about my secrets, but then I decide against it because I worry about how it might reflect on my husband. Most of the time I do treasure the feeling of normality I get to experience around them, as if I'm really just a normal person; but other times it leaves a part of me feeling so lonely that I end talking to you or going on the JoS forums or 4chan so I can just speak my mind. So I can't refute what you wrote in regards to that...

When I spend time with my hubby, that does help to take my mind off these things temporarily. But then when I'm alone or when he's asleep, I still find myself longing for mental stimulation. Perhaps the reason why I repressed my anger is because I want to think that the people at JoS are good people at heart, just having the wrong ideas about some things; and since they say they value Truth so deeply, I like to think that some day they'll come to understand everything. But when it comes down to it, I realise most of them are traditionalists who don't mean "present physical reality" when they speak of "Truth", but rather what they're used to or what they feel reality should be. I really do admire their ambition to promote Spiritual Satanism to a global scale, but with their current attitudes, they'll only appeal to a small minority of like-minded or desperate people. And ironically, it seems like they wouldn't have it any other way, so I have to question how seriously some of them really take their mission.

When I showed the forums to him once, he said the people there (in particular Jack) seem like they belong in a mental institute, and that he would prefer if I don't go on there... And that's without even seeing any of the numerous insults directed towards me. He would be livid if he knew what you and they have written about me; if I consider that, I feel rather guilty for subjecting myself to it, so I won't anymore. I feel really gross now thinking about the fact that I've been seeking out verbal abuse behind his back. He's always so kind and gentle to me, and I love that about him, so I think my behaviour goes to show that I still have a lot of healing to do. Blitzkreig recommended some workings, but I wasn't sure what I should use them for, but now I know.

You claim I won't be able to move on; what did you even have in mind then, that I join your discord server and try to fit in with the other misfits there? I've tried stuff like that before, but it just doesn't work for me. Not that I'm welcome anymore by now anyway, as I've pissed you off numerous times.

Rather, I think maybe it's time for me to accept that I'm just a woman now, and that it's okay to have normal friends, and that they don't need to know everything about me, just as I don't know everything about them either. And maybe instead of telling people on the internet obscure facts they don't need to know, I can find more productive ways to apply my knowledge of biology and sexology. You're right that I'll never be able to move on if I repress things. But it's also clear that I still have a lot of healing to do, and perhaps that will be sufficient. So as I turn my focus to that, I'll say goodbye to you, forever. Perhaps our paths were once fated to cross, but now they never will again, as there will no longer be any need. Or so I hope...

"Some other situations ended up working in my favour which I saved a lot of money on, and other things that can't even be expressed in money worked out perfectly too."
Am i supposed to be flattered that you consider this some sort of divine blessing? it's just another thing you never really gave me any appreciation for.

"The miracle I mentioned is that I can have offspring with my husband after all"
That's not a miracle that's surgery.
Assuming a transplanted uterus is even able to function properly within a male body, besides being fake you seem rather keen on carving out your own flesh and putting someone else's.

If it's even possible to give birth at our current technological level would that child even be 'yours' considering it came out of someone else's uterus.
Also your "husband" would technically be fucking someone else's uterus, as it's not really your flesh.

"When I showed the forums to him once, he said the people there (in particular Jack) seem like they belong in a mental institute,"
Thing is your husband also belongs in a mental institute.

"He would be livid if he knew what you and they have written about me;"
Ironic, considering most of the hate you get is indirectly because of him anyways.

4/5 of your posts here, you mentioned your husband, you can't seem to talk about yourself without mentioning him, which is mostly because he defines you.
You don't really have much of your own life going on, all your "friendly" association come from his friends.

Who are you without your husband? seemingly no one.
Without him you've pretty much have noting left.

Somehow your husband deluded himself into thinking you're a woman and thinking himself straight, mainly because he wants to be straight and wants to be seen as straight.
You'd do anything to hold onto to your husband, mainly because of how you struggled for acceptance and approval the majority of your life, you change into a woman mainly because he wants a woman, you simply deluded yourself into thinking that you wanted it.

you know that if you came out as a man, it'd cause a lot of problems among his social life and problems with his approval.

somehow you want to 'move on' yet your life is mainly defined by someone else?
want to move on? then let go of your husband.



And for the most part i don't want you around me right now.
Especially after you came in here talking a lot of shit.

"I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying."
I saw what they said to you , they hurt you i get that, but why'd you come here and take it out on me?
Ya, you're looking for someone to blame, i won't take it.

The internet brings out the worse in people. Lol. It's also designed to confirm people's delusions they have about themselves, reality or whatever and it's mostly to confirm their already program they have with easily finding science, news, etc for the most part that's why I'm not on a lot of forums or in a lot of groups. It's too tempting and internet seems to be a tool to ego inflation.

[Fluxinella Stellaris]

"Wouldn't you be frustrated too if people constantly told lies about you?"
Oh? So you are frustrated? and yea i would be.

"But it irritates me a bit,"
That's an understatement.

"But it irritates me a bit, although at the same time it amuses and invigorates me. In fact, I can't get enough? Indeed, it just makes sense."
Really? what's sensible about that?

"You know how I doubted myself almost my whole life?"
i know.

"And the likes of you and those at JoS really tried their hardest to reinforce those doubts."
Even though i was the one to get you out of the jos, and thanks i get that for that? you spewing a bunch of nonsense at me.

"And yet I was right all along. It's plainly obvious by now, to the point that there's no room for doubt anymore. And that means you were all being retards about it, all along! Can you imagine? Hahahaha! No, you've got your head too far stuck up your ass."
lol, how that does make you 'right'?
I got my head up my ass? isn't that you though? you just said "And yet I was right all along ... And that means you were all being retards about it," the thing is you consider everyone that doesn't align with your views to be wrong, you don't want 'real' friends you want fake people to shower you with pretty little lies all the time to feed your own delusions.
You're concerned with being 'right' and being one that's correct, you spin a bunch of lies to appear in a way that you're not, you're concerned with appearances, because if you weren't concerned with appearances and how people perceive you, you'd have just PM'd me instead of writing your rants publicly, you did so because you wanted people to see it.

"but when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry."
you lump me in the same position as them, i guess you really can't see differences in people, you only want to hear things that're in line with what you think and things that support your fantasy.

"You know what a manly, conflict-thirsting woman I am; there's no way I can forgive their misplaced arrogance."
What's manly about you? what's conflict thirsting about you?
someone said you have a "sissy deranged mind" and you told em thanks, you went in all sorts of places, acting all nice and avoiding conflict where you can just for the approval of others.

Also what's feminine about you? you don't understand your emotions, your emotions make you feel uncomfortable so you try to shove it somewhere deep inside of you to where you can't feel them anymore.
How are you going to nurture people when you run from your own emotions? you don't understand your own emotions now you want to pretend that you can understand that of others?

"If I stop participating and playing along with their retarded nonsense, that means I'm letting go and forgiving them. You think that's right? I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy while I look down on them with a condescending smirk. But that does stress me out a bit, and for what?"
So you see yourself as a fake person that pretends to be friends with someone only to look down on them? makes me wonder if that's how those fake people you surround yourself with see you.

And yea i guess it does stress you out, considering you said "spending too much time on JoS will eventually deteriorate my mental health" and "when I chat with you or go on JoS, I just feel so angry."

Also how would playing along with them equate to not "letting go and forgiving them"? seems like you're trying to find excuses to justify being there and the abuse.


"I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying. But annoying me was probably your intention anyway, so it's not as if you'd care."
Really? and what's so terrible about it.
What do you know about caring for people anyways? you can pretend to know me and know my intentions, but if you really knew me, you'd know you shouldn't have lied to me.

"but in your case I think the answer is pretty obvious. I'd say "it's obvious from this interaction alone""
What's obvious about it? you came here and spun a web of lies, made yourself appear to be someone you're not, pretending you're fine when you're not.
Like i said before, when someone doesn't play along your lines and points out your bullshit you push them away for your own comfort because you always run from your problems.
That's why you don't have 'real' friends, because when someone tries to set your mind straight you say they 'have their head up their ass' and they're retarded, you believe you know best in everything, is that why your life is such a mess? if you really knew best then why are you feeling the way you are right now and saying the things that you are?

"I meant everything I wrote, about wanting to be helpful to people"
You want to help people? honestly? why don't you start with yourself then.

"I was blessed with prosperity"
We both know what happened to the money you had, and what happened when you tried to get some of it back.
Why do you lie so much?

"and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago."
Such as?

" I will always hail Satan, for the path He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself,"

What sort of strength do you have? you went in all sorts of groups, took insults from them and told em thanks.
you went back in places where people insulted you and abused and acted all nice just to fit in.

You make up all sorts of stories about yourself to seem like a person you're not, what I'm trying to say is that you're quite fake, you even admitted to being fake when you said "I want to stick around so I can pretend to be their buddy". So what sort of strength do you have? is this the strength Satan 'bestowed' on you?

• "I'm here because I'm tired from celebrating yesterday, and I'm relaxing on my couch after a relaxing shower while my husband is taking a nap."
• "My husband woke up and it's time to eat my favourite food, first literally and then figuratively too."
• "And so I proved myself right, but no one cares. I'm ecstatic, my family is happy for me,"
• "Spending time with my family, husband and friends is relaxing and fulfilling and all,"
• "I was blessed with prosperity, and a miracle that goes beyond what I would have even dared to dream of several years ago."
• "He showed me, and the strength He bestowed, and for helping me understand the Truth about myself, so that I could grow and heal."

That're some examples of the image you want to portray to people and how you want them to view you, it's also how you a wish to be right now.
'A person that's relaxed, satisfied and with fulfilling relationships.'

Thing is, if you were satisfied with your current relationships you wouldn't be going to all those places, acting all fake, lying about yourself, taking insults just to get the approval of others.

So what sort of miracles did you receive?
"But those who keep my secrets shall receive the fulfillment of my promises." - Satan, al-jilwah.
What do you know about keeping secrets? you talk a lot of shit saying all sorts of things about me, like i said, if you weren't here for attention, to play the victim, and to portray yourself as someone you're not, you would have PMed me, so why'd you feel the need to talk about all your issues like that? is that some sort of plea for help?

"I didn't think it was that much of a bother to simply click on a link and read your post,"
Yet you're here and yet you made a bunch of replies to me.
You try to portray yourself as someone who's aloof and distant, yet if you were, you wouldn't be here, clearly you 'bothered'.
You push people away like that to maintain some sort of false image of yourself then you wonder why you don't have any genuine friends.

You also spew out some insults at me, acting like you know me.
What if I'm with Satan? what if I'm with the same gods you 'claim' to be with?
At the end of the day, who has your back?
and why are you talking so much shit?

"I should really just listen to my husband and move on."
If you could've moved on you, you'd have done so a long time ago.

" I can just invoke earth to calm myself down "
What? you think that's like some sort of drug you can take to push your emotions away?
That hatred in you will always find a way to come out, no matter much you run away from it, it'll keep coming until you let it out, even if it has to eat you from the inside out.

Indeed, that €30k isn't coming back; it went either to Cobra who called me a reptilian and a whore for asking if I could have some of it back, or alternatively it could've gone to that kike who went missing, whom Cobra called his good friend with a "reputable business", apparently oblivious to what his "business" was (a cryptocurrency scam). When more information about that situation came out later and Cobra asked me for details, he said I should consider myself lucky that I at least have my life still.

Of course I was desolate. But it's also precisely because I didn't lose my life that it no longer matters. Some other situations ended up working in my favour which I saved a lot of money on, and other things that can't even be expressed in money worked out perfectly too. Furthermore, I used to be in a situation where I had serious motivation issues and no plans on how to earn any money, but through my personal growth over the past few years, I've managed to reach a point where I can at least work part time, and my husband found a good job too. Of course, we would be a lot wealthier if I still had that 30k, but at least I'm headed somewhere now.

I did think it was hilariously ironic that a nutcase like NakedPluto called my mind deranged and sissy, when his spiritual knowledge boils down to a bunch of hallucination-inducing party tricks, and he isn't even nearly as masculine as I am in terms of character. But I felt like it would just cause drama if I pointed that out, so instead, I mockingly thanked him, taking advantage of the fact that my tone isn't visible over text, to deescalate the matter. You can think what you want, but in my opinion that's better than throwing a fit about it.

I should clarify that while I used to be very hung up about masculinity and femininity, it's no longer important to me. I realised that in the first place, it was only a matter of whether my appearance lets me be seen as female by others, and being able to act on my sexual instincts in a straightforward manner, and both are fulfilled already. You always keep going on about your conceptions of what femininity is, so I wonder if you even noticed that I had negative mental associations with femininity, such as weakness or inferiority. I actively wanted to avoid that, rather than striving for it. But you've previously clarified why those associations are false, and I've come to realise what you meant for myself as well. I used to say cringy shit like, "wanting to be fucked in the pussy by someone I love and trust doesn't make me any less of a man", but I've since made peace with it and realised it doesn't matter if things make me "masculine" or "feminine" or whatever; I can just be however I like, and what matters is that it feels good.

The miracle I mentioned is that I can have offspring with my husband after all (but only with medical assistance when I feel ready, so I don't have to worry about unplanned pregnancy, which is a relief after the things Mother Lilith informed me about). But I wonder if calling it a miracle is a bit of a stretch, considering it's just due to the specifics of my body, and it's probably not got anything to do with the Gods or any of the workings I did. In fact, when I asked a deity for advice before I did one of my biokinesis workings a few years ago, I was told that there was "no need", but I didn't believe it until the doctors told me. I guess you really weren't kidding when you called me an aberration; but to me, considering my circumstances, it really does feel like a miracle.

Perhaps the reason I can't keep friends is because being fake just eats away at me over time, but being honest tends to turn people away. Even by you, I just feel very misunderstood, but I know I'm equally to blame. I'm equally bad at accepting my own feelings, as I am at explaining them to others. When it comes to my husband's friends, they're really just normies. Because of my looks and my voice, they never did end up realising that I transitioned; the only thing that really stands out about me anymore is my height, but I have aunts who are just as tall as me, so they assume it's just my Dutch heritage. And I guess the rest of my appearance works in my favour too. My shoulders are slimmer than my mother's, an expert said my vocal folds are unmasculined besides being long (giving extra range around the low parts), meaning I can sound clearly like either sex depending on what pitch I talk at, and my breasts are still growing ever since I did a working related to that a few years ago; they're almost three cup sizes bigger than they used to be, and they just keep going somehow. Not that I'm complaining, since I do think it suits someone of my stature in a way, but it's a bit funny to me that a simple working could be so effective when they were previously stuck at an A cup even after four years of hormone therapy.

Anyway, they're kind people, and they gave me practical advice when it came to finding a job, so I appreciate that. But I feel like they have no idea who I really am. But I'm scared of them finding out, after having seen so many people turn against me, so I end up acting rather shy and reserved around them even after all this time. Sometimes I feel an impulse to tell them about my secrets, but then I decide against it because I worry about how it might reflect on my husband. Most of the time I do treasure the feeling of normality I get to experience around them, as if I'm really just a normal person; but other times it leaves a part of me feeling so lonely that I end talking to you or going on the JoS forums or 4chan so I can just speak my mind. So I can't refute what you wrote in regards to that...

When I spend time with my hubby, that does help to take my mind off these things temporarily. But then when I'm alone or when he's asleep, I still find myself longing for mental stimulation. Perhaps the reason why I repressed my anger is because I want to think that the people at JoS are good people at heart, just having the wrong ideas about some things; and since they say they value Truth so deeply, I like to think that some day they'll come to understand everything. But when it comes down to it, I realise most of them are traditionalists who don't mean "present physical reality" when they speak of "Truth", but rather what they're used to or what they feel reality should be. I really do admire their ambition to promote Spiritual Satanism to a global scale, but with their current attitudes, they'll only appeal to a small minority of like-minded or desperate people. And ironically, it seems like they wouldn't have it any other way, so I have to question how seriously some of them really take their mission.

When I showed the forums to him once, he said the people there (in particular Jack) seem like they belong in a mental institute, and that he would prefer if I don't go on there... And that's without even seeing any of the numerous insults directed towards me. He would be livid if he knew what you and they have written about me; if I consider that, I feel rather guilty for subjecting myself to it, so I won't anymore. I feel really gross now thinking about the fact that I've been seeking out verbal abuse behind his back. He's always so kind and gentle to me, and I love that about him, so I think my behaviour goes to show that I still have a lot of healing to do. Blitzkreig recommended some workings, but I wasn't sure what I should use them for, but now I know.

You claim I won't be able to move on; what did you even have in mind then, that I join your discord server and try to fit in with the other misfits there? I've tried stuff like that before, but it just doesn't work for me. Not that I'm welcome anymore by now anyway, as I've pissed you off numerous times.

Rather, I think maybe it's time for me to accept that I'm just a woman now, and that it's okay to have normal friends, and that they don't need to know everything about me, just as I don't know everything about them either. And maybe instead of telling people on the internet obscure facts they don't need to know, I can find more productive ways to apply my knowledge of biology and sexology. You're right that I'll never be able to move on if I repress things. But it's also clear that I still have a lot of healing to do, and perhaps that will be sufficient. So as I turn my focus to that, I'll say goodbye to you, forever. Perhaps our paths were once fated to cross, but now they never will again, as there will no longer be any need. Or so I hope...

"Some other situations ended up working in my favour which I saved a lot of money on, and other things that can't even be expressed in money worked out perfectly too."
Am i supposed to be flattered that you consider this some sort of divine blessing? it's just another thing you never really gave me any appreciation for.

"The miracle I mentioned is that I can have offspring with my husband after all"
That's not a miracle that's surgery.
Assuming a transplanted uterus is even able to function properly within a male body, besides being fake you seem rather keen on carving out your own flesh and putting someone else's.

If it's even possible to give birth at our current technological level would that child even be 'yours' considering it came out of someone else's uterus.
Also your "husband" would technically be fucking someone else's uterus, as it's not really your flesh.

"When I showed the forums to him once, he said the people there (in particular Jack) seem like they belong in a mental institute,"
Thing is your husband also belongs in a mental institute.

"He would be livid if he knew what you and they have written about me;"
Ironic, considering most of the hate you get is indirectly because of him anyways.

4/5 of your posts here, you mentioned your husband, you can't seem to talk about yourself without mentioning him, which is mostly because he defines you.
You don't really have much of your own life going on, all your "friendly" association come from his friends.

Who are you without your husband? seemingly no one.
Without him you've pretty much have noting left.

Somehow your husband deluded himself into thinking you're a woman and thinking himself straight, mainly because he wants to be straight and wants to be seen as straight.
You'd do anything to hold onto to your husband, mainly because of how you struggled for acceptance and approval the majority of your life, you change into a woman mainly because he wants a woman, you simply deluded yourself into thinking that you wanted it.

you know that if you came out as a man, it'd cause a lot of problems among his social life and problems with his approval.

somehow you want to 'move on' yet your life is mainly defined by someone else?
want to move on? then let go of your husband.



And for the most part i don't want you around me right now.
Especially after you came in here talking a lot of shit.

"I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying."
I saw what they said to you , they hurt you i get that, but why'd you come here and take it out on me?
Ya, you're looking for someone to blame, i won't take it.

It baffles me that you don't understand why I don't want to be friends with you.

If you had any intention of getting along, you would've contacted me by email like I asked you to, as direct messaging leaves me too vulnerable to your sociopathic manipulation techniques. You could've had privacy, but instead you chose to force this conversation to take place on a public forum as it was the safest alternative for me, and then proceeded to blame me for it rather than yourself, as you suffer the consequences of your own actions.

You're the same as all the others. You don't understand what you're doing, and the only thing you're set on when communicating with me is trying to manipulate me into ruining my own life, thinking that will "help" me somehow, because of your delusions about what kind of person I am.

I've come to understand by now that there's no way for me to communicate over text what kind of person I am. So instead, I'll bore you with more anecdotes. Not because I'm delusional enough to think you might understand, no; but simply because I enjoy oversharing on the internet, to take my mind of how much I always have to keep to myself in person.

It was my wish to be female since I was a young child, but I thought it was hopeless and became depressed, so I tried to forget about it. But when puberty started, I began to feel an urge to be penetrated. I didn't understand why, and felt very insecure and ashamed of it. So I tried to force myself to be attracted to women. To that end, I dated one when I was 18. She was quite strong and had a manly voice, so I felt hopeful that it might work out. We would often kiss and massage each other, and sometimes I would perform oral on her. But then during one particular evening, she suddenly pinned me down as I was relaxing on the bed, and tried her absolute hardest to put it inside of her, even as I was crying and struggling and begging her to stop. But no matter how hard she tried, it didn't go in, as it was too small and soft; and after a few minutes, she finally gave up. At first I felt relieved, but when I saw how dejected she looked, I felt horrible. Two weeks later, she broke up with me because of it; and for months I was heartbroken, and wondered if I should've tried to cooperate somehow back then, and let her have her way with my body. I wondered if I would've been loved if I had just tried to put up with it, no matter how wrong it felt.

As I eventually got over the heartbreak, I faced reality and accepted that I can only date someone who doesn't see me as a man; and preferably, someone who is a man. And then, I met the man who is now my husband. Why did I fall in love with him? I felt like he saw within me the person that I dreamed I could be since my early childhood, and that alone felt like it breathed life into my very being. Whereas I used to be little more than a husk, I began to feel more alive than ever before, all because of him.

So, why is it that I believed, and still believe, changing my body to be as female as possible, to be the right thing? The answer isn't any of the dozens of "isolated" traumatic incidents throughout this life and previous ones (which wouldn't have been traumatic anyway if I were normal); nor is it any of the dozens of rationalised excuses I came up with over the years. Rather, the correct answer is "everything".

I can give you more excuses. Like how I used to feel so insecure about my sexual urges, but it just makes sense that I feel a need to be penetrated if I have an innie, and it's more hygienic this way too. Or how I've become more sociable now that my face feels like it's my own, as I no longer subconsciously feel an urge to hide it. Of course, I'd be missing the point, which is just a physical neurological difference, where if my body is shaped a particular way, I get to feel comfortable in my own body to an extent that I could never fully match with fabricated self-acceptance achieved through meditation. But none of the excuses were false, and thus it not only feels right in a deep, fundamental way, but also in every other way, as it solved numerous other issues I used to face, and improved my well-being far beyond what I can describe. The issues that still remain aren't related to gender, but rather seem to stem from me being overly jaded and antisocial over things that already lie in the past.

"As above, so below", and thus if you're blind yet want to know what's above, then you can just have a look below, and reason what might be up there to cause what you're seeing. So why is it that people seem to forget that the brain is a physical organ, with certain limitations and rules in regards to how it works, that depend entirely on the specific details of how it developed, which in turn depends on a huge array of factors? Why do people forget that people are different, even in ways that defy logic, as all individuals are subject to the natural randomness that governs the evolution of every organic being in this world, by the very nature of DNA? Why do people think that everything is for a reason? I for one realised it isn't. I learned the hard way that no matter how I try to explain that things aren't they way are, as there's no logical reason for them to be the way they are, that doesn't solve anything at all, for it would merely be an expression of my ignorance. I learned that there are some things in life that I have to deal with at face value, which means to make the best out of a situation based on what I can directly experience and observe, even if it defies my expectations.

You take credit for the actions of others in an attempt to gain my favour, and complain about my marriage as always. You understand neither my love, nor my nature, nor what it actually is that ails me, all of which are apparent from the absurd ways you interpret my words. You should know that I wouldn't be interested in a transplant anyway.

Despite not considering you a friend, I still put up with my dislike for this website just to keep an eye on this thread to see your replies. And now I can only wonder why I even bothered. If there's anything I realised, perhaps it's what a good idea it would be to simply turn off my laptop, and turn my focus away from the internet, towards real life. It's abundantly clear by now that only in real life, there is a real place for me to belong; only in real life, can I heal the real scars in my mind that have prevented me from moving on thus far. The curiosity that draws me to you, to 4chan, and to the JoS forums, is only a blight that will rot my brain and consume me if I don't calm my mind and detach.

As such, I will not be reading your replies anymore, if any. I will simply control myself and choose not to, and spend my time and energy on actual self-improvement instead from now on.