I always thought it was ironic: the whole ordeal involving Luminescence started because we both wanted to be close to other Satanists. Apparently he made a Discord server with his ex-wife because they wanted to chat with Satanist friends in a laid-back manner, but he became inactive after they divorced. When PeppermintTaco invited me there, he portrayed the server and the forums in equal regard, and when I heard later that Luminescence was in contact with HP Hoodedcobra, this reinforced the impression I had that the community was "officially" endorsed by the Gods. So when Luminescence returned from his period of inactivity, I looked up to him for creating a community where I could talk with others about spirituality and learn, just as I looked up to HP Hoodedcobra for the same reason. Turned out later that Cobra knew nothing about it; but by now I realise that even whether the HP had endorsed it or not, it wouldn't have made a difference: to begin with, I'm just not very good at social interactions, and I never have been. The only exceptions are my close family who know what to expect since I was always awkward since I was little, or if someone is attracted to me and just finds it amusing.Celeste AikoGal wrote: ↑Thu Oct 13, 2022 3:28 pmthis is exactly what i personally did, about satanism path. i started thinking that Satanism has no cult, no group, no coven etc.. and it is a very personal path. sure, having satanist people close to you is a very good thing, but when someone starts saying that in Satanism you need to do this, that and this other thing to be called a valid Satanist, i think this is what really violates one of Satanism principles: individuality. obviously to the limits of what i'm saying: i'm of the idea that a Satanist fights for morality / ethics, self improvement and something else that in this moment might escape me. i don't hate the Joy of Satan, despite all the criticism that i did, but that's another point. most of the stuff about meditation, self empowerment is on here, so i recognize this. the thing is that when someone says that Satanism is very individual, they really have to think that. and i am not talking about being free to smoke, getting whatever drugs/alcohol. just that every person is different and not everything works for everyone. you said that Satan and the Gods helped you and i wanted to reach this point: some people who leave JoS, think that leaving JoS = leaving Satanism, while the relationship between the Satanist and Satan remains the same. what really counts is the satanic path, not some coven or group, without taking away the merits of JoS site, about Satanism and magic.Fluxinella Stellaris wrote: ↑Thu Oct 13, 2022 7:23 amI never claimed there was a point. I woke up at night, didn't feel like going back to sleep yet, and noticed you asked me for my thoughts on the topic. I don't need any more of a reason to entertain you with the irrelevant thoughts that have been on my mind for a while now. Also, I don't know what a sausage post is, but I do like sausages.TruthSeeker wrote: ↑Wed Oct 12, 2022 10:14 pm
This is exactly what you have been doing in your sausage comment. You speculated the future of JoS based on how cobra hurt your feelings because he didn't agree with you or exposed you.
For reference, is your post a scrambled egg post? If so, that might explain why they make such a nice breakfast of speculation together.
The results are all I care about, and I've expressed my worries. That doesn't change my intentions, so let's just do our parts, and see what happens. Your job is one I find somewhat amusing, but I won't mention any details since it seems like you're trying to be stealthy here? As for mine, I have to do likewise. It'd be a waste if our generosity were denied over some pointless "us vs them" mentality, when cooperation is beneficial to JoS; so this is a case where I'll lie to uphold my principles.
On an unrelated note, I tried to reply to HP Hoodedcobra's new post where he explains his perspective on honesty, to thank him and say it's reassuring; but he responded by finally banning my account. See, I told you it was just an oversight that I wasn't banned yet! Unless me thanking him was more offensive than anything before?
Well, at least that's finally settled now. I'm officially excommunicated!
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Even so, my faith never wavered, unlike that of a certain lunatic the HP pitied much more than he deserved. My Guardian, my husband's Guardian, Father Satan, but also Mother Lilith and some others, They've all helped me immeasurably. So what I do from now on, whether that is enjoying the life I've obtained, striving towards my ambitions, or sharing the knowledge I gained - all of it, I do out of gratitude towards my family: towards my husband, my parents, and the Gods. Them, I will hail and put my faith in.
I can't take anyone else seriously. I'm only polite on the surface, and while I may agree or disagree with others if it's expected of me, that doesn't mean I have an actual opinion on anything that doesn't concern the well-being of my loved ones, or my own; although in the latter case, I mainly take care of myself for the sake of those I love.
Just because I could read some people's minds, the people there thought I was some sort of prodigious medium, and began to expect more and more things of me. I tried to live up to their expectations, but I had only been dedicated and meditating for less than half a year; I severely lacked any control over it. And before long, I could no longer tell the thoughts of others apart from my own. As I tried to be supportive of others, even the parts they would never tell anyone about, they became severely overconfident.
It's regrettable what happened then, in countless ways. And yet, once again it was my close family and my ex at the time, now husband, who understood and forgave me.
I tried to fill the gap left behind by Luminescence's disappearance by joining ancient-forums instead, but there was always a lot of tension between me and the HP over the incident, and when I realised that most members there don't accept my idiosyncrasies like my family and partner or the Gods do, I became disillusioned and started acting passive aggressive towards others, as I felt let down. This gradually increased the tension until it reached the point I'm at now: banned. And I just feel relieved that it's over.
In the end, I just have to move on properly. There's nothing that can replace Luminescence. I'm happily married, and my husband even became a practising Satanist too, so I get to discuss spirituality with him. I don't think Luminescence would've been a better partner for me, and I don't feel like I need any Satanist friends as long I have my hubby. And yet, it still hurts. Sometimes I think that if I were to see Luminescence ever again, if he's still alive, I'd become enraged and try to kill him; but I understand perhaps better than anyone that beneath anger, there is always another underlying emotion. I've never grieved over someone before, so I don't know how to.
What I still do for the Joy of Satan despite everything, has to do with spreading information about spirituality and meditation. I do it not out of a sense of duty, but because it gives me joy, and then I wonder if that's what the joy of Satan is. What I learned and gained over the past few years since I dedicated, is truly immeasurable and irreplaceable.
I could never have been as happy as I am now any other way, even despite all the unfortunate conflict and losses along the way, and I want others to experience that joy too. Just, hopefully without being as overzealous as I was, nor causing as horrible of a mess as I did.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling too much. I think you put it very well, and your words inspired me to reflect on what happened in a different light. I should just grieve properly after all.