My testimony as an ex-JoS member.

[Ipsissimus83]

What the hell....

That's definitely over sharing your personal life and the fact you are telling it on the forums shows you need approval or you want sympathy. I only know this because because I use to do that crap too it didn't do me any good in fact I have grown and become mature I'm 39 years old now. You definitely need to work on self acceptance and self love. By that I don't mean you becoming a "man", but being confident and content in yourself. If you feeling ashamed or whatever you dud feel says a lot that you still have the "Christian" programming and the fact the Bible just may be true.

I hope you can evolve

[BirdofFreedom]

Indeed, that €30k isn't coming back; it went either to Cobra who called me a reptilian and a whore for asking if I could have some of it back, or alternatively it could've gone to that kike who went missing, whom Cobra called his good friend with a "reputable business", apparently oblivious to what his "business" was (a cryptocurrency scam). When more information about that situation came out later and Cobra asked me for details, he said I should consider myself lucky that I at least have my life still.

Of course I was desolate. But it's also precisely because I didn't lose my life that it no longer matters. Some other situations ended up working in my favour which I saved a lot of money on, and other things that can't even be expressed in money worked out perfectly too. Furthermore, I used to be in a situation where I had serious motivation issues and no plans on how to earn any money, but through my personal growth over the past few years, I've managed to reach a point where I can at least work part time, and my husband found a good job too. Of course, we would be a lot wealthier if I still had that 30k, but at least I'm headed somewhere now.

I did think it was hilariously ironic that a nutcase like NakedPluto called my mind deranged and sissy, when his spiritual knowledge boils down to a bunch of hallucination-inducing party tricks, and he isn't even nearly as masculine as I am in terms of character. But I felt like it would just cause drama if I pointed that out, so instead, I mockingly thanked him, taking advantage of the fact that my tone isn't visible over text, to deescalate the matter. You can think what you want, but in my opinion that's better than throwing a fit about it.

I should clarify that while I used to be very hung up about masculinity and femininity, it's no longer important to me. I realised that in the first place, it was only a matter of whether my appearance lets me be seen as female by others, and being able to act on my sexual instincts in a straightforward manner, and both are fulfilled already. You always keep going on about your conceptions of what femininity is, so I wonder if you even noticed that I had negative mental associations with femininity, such as weakness or inferiority. I actively wanted to avoid that, rather than striving for it. But you've previously clarified why those associations are false, and I've come to realise what you meant for myself as well. I used to say cringy shit like, "wanting to be fucked in the pussy by someone I love and trust doesn't make me any less of a man", but I've since made peace with it and realised it doesn't matter if things make me "masculine" or "feminine" or whatever; I can just be however I like, and what matters is that it feels good.

The miracle I mentioned is that I can have offspring with my husband after all (but only with medical assistance when I feel ready, so I don't have to worry about unplanned pregnancy, which is a relief after the things Mother Lilith informed me about). But I wonder if calling it a miracle is a bit of a stretch, considering it's just due to the specifics of my body, and it's probably not got anything to do with the Gods or any of the workings I did. In fact, when I asked a deity for advice before I did one of my biokinesis workings a few years ago, I was told that there was "no need", but I didn't believe it until the doctors told me. I guess you really weren't kidding when you called me an aberration; but to me, considering my circumstances, it really does feel like a miracle.

Perhaps the reason I can't keep friends is because being fake just eats away at me over time, but being honest tends to turn people away. Even by you, I just feel very misunderstood, but I know I'm equally to blame. I'm equally bad at accepting my own feelings, as I am at explaining them to others. When it comes to my husband's friends, they're really just normies. Because of my looks and my voice, they never did end up realising that I transitioned; the only thing that really stands out about me anymore is my height, but I have aunts who are just as tall as me, so they assume it's just my Dutch heritage. And I guess the rest of my appearance works in my favour too. My shoulders are slimmer than my mother's, an expert said my vocal folds are unmasculined besides being long (giving extra range around the low parts), meaning I can sound clearly like either sex depending on what pitch I talk at, and my breasts are still growing ever since I did a working related to that a few years ago; they're almost three cup sizes bigger than they used to be, and they just keep going somehow. Not that I'm complaining, since I do think it suits someone of my stature in a way, but it's a bit funny to me that a simple working could be so effective when they were previously stuck at an A cup even after four years of hormone therapy.

Anyway, they're kind people, and they gave me practical advice when it came to finding a job, so I appreciate that. But I feel like they have no idea who I really am. But I'm scared of them finding out, after having seen so many people turn against me, so I end up acting rather shy and reserved around them even after all this time. Sometimes I feel an impulse to tell them about my secrets, but then I decide against it because I worry about how it might reflect on my husband. Most of the time I do treasure the feeling of normality I get to experience around them, as if I'm really just a normal person; but other times it leaves a part of me feeling so lonely that I end talking to you or going on the JoS forums or 4chan so I can just speak my mind. So I can't refute what you wrote in regards to that...

When I spend time with my hubby, that does help to take my mind off these things temporarily. But then when I'm alone or when he's asleep, I still find myself longing for mental stimulation. Perhaps the reason why I repressed my anger is because I want to think that the people at JoS are good people at heart, just having the wrong ideas about some things; and since they say they value Truth so deeply, I like to think that some day they'll come to understand everything. But when it comes down to it, I realise most of them are traditionalists who don't mean "present physical reality" when they speak of "Truth", but rather what they're used to or what they feel reality should be. I really do admire their ambition to promote Spiritual Satanism to a global scale, but with their current attitudes, they'll only appeal to a small minority of like-minded or desperate people. And ironically, it seems like they wouldn't have it any other way, so I have to question how seriously some of them really take their mission.

When I showed the forums to him once, he said the people there (in particular Jack) seem like they belong in a mental institute, and that he would prefer if I don't go on there... And that's without even seeing any of the numerous insults directed towards me. He would be livid if he knew what you and they have written about me; if I consider that, I feel rather guilty for subjecting myself to it, so I won't anymore. I feel really gross now thinking about the fact that I've been seeking out verbal abuse behind his back. He's always so kind and gentle to me, and I love that about him, so I think my behaviour goes to show that I still have a lot of healing to do. Blitzkreig recommended some workings, but I wasn't sure what I should use them for, but now I know.

You claim I won't be able to move on; what did you even have in mind then, that I join your discord server and try to fit in with the other misfits there? I've tried stuff like that before, but it just doesn't work for me. Not that I'm welcome anymore by now anyway, as I've pissed you off numerous times.

Rather, I think maybe it's time for me to accept that I'm just a woman now, and that it's okay to have normal friends, and that they don't need to know everything about me, just as I don't know everything about them either. And maybe instead of telling people on the internet obscure facts they don't need to know, I can find more productive ways to apply my knowledge of biology and sexology. You're right that I'll never be able to move on if I repress things. But it's also clear that I still have a lot of healing to do, and perhaps that will be sufficient. So as I turn my focus to that, I'll say goodbye to you, forever. Perhaps our paths were once fated to cross, but now they never will again, as there will no longer be any need. Or so I hope...

"Some other situations ended up working in my favour which I saved a lot of money on, and other things that can't even be expressed in money worked out perfectly too."
Am i supposed to be flattered that you consider this some sort of divine blessing? it's just another thing you never really gave me any appreciation for.

"The miracle I mentioned is that I can have offspring with my husband after all"
That's not a miracle that's surgery.
Assuming a transplanted uterus is even able to function properly within a male body, besides being fake you seem rather keen on carving out your own flesh and putting someone else's.

If it's even possible to give birth at our current technological level would that child even be 'yours' considering it came out of someone else's uterus.
Also your "husband" would technically be fucking someone else's uterus, as it's not really your flesh.

"When I showed the forums to him once, he said the people there (in particular Jack) seem like they belong in a mental institute,"
Thing is your husband also belongs in a mental institute.

"He would be livid if he knew what you and they have written about me;"
Ironic, considering most of the hate you get is indirectly because of him anyways.

4/5 of your posts here, you mentioned your husband, you can't seem to talk about yourself without mentioning him, which is mostly because he defines you.
You don't really have much of your own life going on, all your "friendly" association come from his friends.

Who are you without your husband? seemingly no one.
Without him you've pretty much have noting left.

Somehow your husband deluded himself into thinking you're a woman and thinking himself straight, mainly because he wants to be straight and wants to be seen as straight.
You'd do anything to hold onto to your husband, mainly because of how you struggled for acceptance and approval the majority of your life, you change into a woman mainly because he wants a woman, you simply deluded yourself into thinking that you wanted it.

you know that if you came out as a man, it'd cause a lot of problems among his social life and problems with his approval.

somehow you want to 'move on' yet your life is mainly defined by someone else?
want to move on? then let go of your husband.



And for the most part i don't want you around me right now.
Especially after you came in here talking a lot of shit.

"I just wanted to add that your reading comprehension is so terrible that it would honestly be less annoying if you were simply lying."
I saw what they said to you , they hurt you i get that, but why'd you come here and take it out on me?
Ya, you're looking for someone to blame, i won't take it.

It baffles me that you don't understand why I don't want to be friends with you.

If you had any intention of getting along, you would've contacted me by email like I asked you to, as direct messaging leaves me too vulnerable to your sociopathic manipulation techniques. You could've had privacy, but instead you chose to force this conversation to take place on a public forum as it was the safest alternative for me, and then proceeded to blame me for it rather than yourself, as you suffer the consequences of your own actions.

You're the same as all the others. You don't understand what you're doing, and the only thing you're set on when communicating with me is trying to manipulate me into ruining my own life, thinking that will "help" me somehow, because of your delusions about what kind of person I am.

I've come to understand by now that there's no way for me to communicate over text what kind of person I am. So instead, I'll bore you with more anecdotes. Not because I'm delusional enough to think you might understand, no; but simply because I enjoy oversharing on the internet, to take my mind of how much I always have to keep to myself in person.

It was my wish to be female since I was a young child, but I thought it was hopeless and became depressed, so I tried to forget about it. But when puberty started, I began to feel an urge to be penetrated. I didn't understand why, and felt very insecure and ashamed of it. So I tried to force myself to be attracted to women. To that end, I dated one when I was 18. She was quite strong and had a manly voice, so I felt hopeful that it might work out. We would often kiss and massage each other, and sometimes I would perform oral on her. But then during one particular evening, she suddenly pinned me down as I was relaxing on the bed, and tried her absolute hardest to put it inside of her, even as I was crying and struggling and begging her to stop. But no matter how hard she tried, it didn't go in, as it was too small and soft; and after a few minutes, she finally gave up. At first I felt relieved, but when I saw how dejected she looked, I felt horrible. Two weeks later, she broke up with me because of it; and for months I was heartbroken, and wondered if I should've tried to cooperate somehow back then, and let her have her way with my body. I wondered if I would've been loved if I had just tried to put up with it, no matter how wrong it felt.

As I eventually got over the heartbreak, I faced reality and accepted that I can only date someone who doesn't see me as a man; and preferably, someone who is a man. And then, I met the man who is now my husband. Why did I fall in love with him? I felt like he saw within me the person that I dreamed I could be since my early childhood, and that alone felt like it breathed life into my very being. Whereas I used to be little more than a husk, I began to feel more alive than ever before, all because of him.

So, why is it that I believed, and still believe, changing my body to be as female as possible, to be the right thing? The answer isn't any of the dozens of "isolated" traumatic incidents throughout this life and previous ones (which wouldn't have been traumatic anyway if I were normal); nor is it any of the dozens of rationalised excuses I came up with over the years. Rather, the correct answer is "everything".

I can give you more excuses. Like how I used to feel so insecure about my sexual urges, but it just makes sense that I feel a need to be penetrated if I have an innie, and it's more hygienic this way too. Or how I've become more sociable now that my face feels like it's my own, as I no longer subconsciously feel an urge to hide it. Of course, I'd be missing the point, which is just a physical neurological difference, where if my body is shaped a particular way, I get to feel comfortable in my own body to an extent that I could never fully match with fabricated self-acceptance achieved through meditation. But none of the excuses were false, and thus it not only feels right in a deep, fundamental way, but also in every other way, as it solved numerous other issues I used to face, and improved my well-being far beyond what I can describe. The issues that still remain aren't related to gender, but rather seem to stem from me being overly jaded and antisocial over things that already lie in the past.

"As above, so below", and thus if you're blind yet want to know what's above, then you can just have a look below, and reason what might be up there to cause what you're seeing. So why is it that people seem to forget that the brain is a physical organ, with certain limitations and rules in regards to how it works, that depend entirely on the specific details of how it developed, which in turn depends on a huge array of factors? Why do people forget that people are different, even in ways that defy logic, as all individuals are subject to the natural randomness that governs the evolution of every organic being in this world, by the very nature of DNA? Why do people think that everything is for a reason? I for one realised it isn't. I learned the hard way that no matter how I try to explain that things aren't they way are, as there's no logical reason for them to be the way they are, that doesn't solve anything at all, for it would merely be an expression of my ignorance. I learned that there are some things in life that I have to deal with at face value, which means to make the best out of a situation based on what I can directly experience and observe, even if it defies my expectations.

You take credit for the actions of others in an attempt to gain my favour, and complain about my marriage as always. You understand neither my love, nor my nature, nor what it actually is that ails me, all of which are apparent from the absurd ways you interpret my words. You should know that I wouldn't be interested in a transplant anyway.

Despite not considering you a friend, I still put up with my dislike for this website just to keep an eye on this thread to see your replies. And now I can only wonder why I even bothered. If there's anything I realised, perhaps it's what a good idea it would be to simply turn off my laptop, and turn my focus away from the internet, towards real life. It's abundantly clear by now that only in real life, there is a real place for me to belong; only in real life, can I heal the real scars in my mind that have prevented me from moving on thus far. The curiosity that draws me to you, to 4chan, and to the JoS forums, is only a blight that will rot my brain and consume me if I don't calm my mind and detach.

As such, I will not be reading your replies anymore, if any. I will simply control myself and choose not to, and spend my time and energy on actual self-improvement instead from now on.

you said: "You claim I won't be able to move on; what did you even have in mind then"
You got what you asked for, and your response was to throw a tandrum.

It's not my fault you don't like what you heard, but it is what you asked for.
It's like i said before, you only want to hear lies and things that are in line with the way you want to think, feel and be.


If you really did see and understand things as they are, then why are you in the predicament that you're in right now?
If your relationships were 'fulfilling' and satisfying why'd you go to so many places taking so much shit from people just to fit in?




"You don't understand what you're doing, and the only thing you're set on when communicating with me is trying to manipulate me into ruining my own life,"
All that bluster about people not understanding you yet have you even taken a good look at your life? it's already in ruins.

"...the brain..."



"You take credit for the actions of others..."
Such as?

"...in an attempt to gain my favour,"
Your 'favour'? what's so good about your 'favour'? what exactly would that do for me.


"You could've had privacy, but instead you chose to force this conversation to take place on a public forum as it was the safest alternative for me, and then proceeded to blame me for it rather than yourself,"
I didn't force anything, You decided to continue talking to me here for some reason.

You're right in that i don't want you emailing me, the 1st few time you sent me novels were fine, but really you sending entire novels every time is just to time consuming.
friends or family, if a relationship is to be beneficial it needs to go both ways, you didn't want to dm because of your own fears and insecurities, you want your own convenience but clearly you don't care for mines.

"as direct messaging leaves me too vulnerable to your sociopathic manipulation techniques."
When you were chatting with me you started to get feelings for me, that's not my fault, it's your own problem.
and just like your emotions, you don't really know how to cope with those feelings so naturally you blame me for it calling it "sociopathic manipulation techniques.", you push me away because of your own internal problems and then you want to make me out as a bad person because you don't know how to cope with your own feelings.

I shouldn't have to tell you this, but it's okay to like someone, and just because you start liking someone doesn't make them a sociopath that's manipulating you.
Also, do you even know what a sociopath is? because you're surely acting like one right now.

"...the consequences of your own actions."
consequences? it seems like you're projecting, because you're the one in ruins not me.
where it not long ago that you said "I will always hail Satan".?
"To me truth and falsehood are known." - Satan, Al Jilwah.
So why is it that you come here lying about yourself and i?

When we make friends with the Demons, they often visit revenge upon those whose intention is to wrong us, and they also watch our backs. I have seen my enemies and the enemies of my loved ones punished before I even had to ask.

Many of the Demons specialize in the teaching of ethics. This right here attests to the reality that Demons are not evil. Responsibility to the responsible. Honor and truth are VERY important to Satan. Satan looks with hatred upon those who are cowards and are too weak to take responsibility for their actions. Satan represents the strong and the just.

So where're your ethics? you have a very disgusting attitude, when people help you, you tell them that they're not helping but instead are trying to ruin your life then villainize them.
You also then proceeded to insult and slander me, does that seem "Satanic" to you?

Yea, i get that you don't like the things i said and that it hurt you, but you asked for it, not only that but you came here lied to me, projected your own fears and insecurities on me, took your own frustration and abuse out on me, insulted me and slandered me so what exactly did you expect?


"As such, I will not be reading your replies anymore, if any. I will simply control myself and choose not to"
I hope so, because you previously told me "I'll say goodbye to you, forever." then proceeded to write me an essay.
Not only that but for someone who sees me as a 'manipulative sociopath' you sure did type a lot to me for some reason even going as far as saying that i 'forced' it.

[BirdofFreedom]

[BirdofFreedom]

come here now.

[Psychotron]

come here now.

They are still posting on ancient forums under the name Prisma. Try there BOF!

[BirdofFreedom]

come here now.

They are still posting on ancient forums under the name Prisma. Try there BOF!

I know, but i want him to come here.
the stubborn piece of shit that he is, he knows what'll happen to his oh so beloved husband if he doesn't come.

i want to get the ball rolling and he knows better than to delay.

[shitposterInquisitor]

come here now.

They are still posting on ancient forums under the name Prisma. Try there BOF!

That one who wants to be a transexual? I forgot his name.

[Psychotron]

That one who wants to be a transexual? I forgot his name.

Meteor. Prisma. Deranged tranny. Whatever you wanna call him!

[shitposterInquisitor]

That one who wants to be a transexual? I forgot his name.

Meteor. Prisma. Deranged tranny. Whatever you wanna call him!

I hope he is cute, though!

[Psychotron]

That one who wants to be a transexual? I forgot his name.

Meteor. Prisma. Deranged tranny. Whatever you wanna call him!

I hope he is cute, though!

Idk
He sounds more woman than man.
But still has a little sissy clitty that doesn’t function. And apparently large breasts as this thread shows.