A story I never bothered to tell
Posted: Thu May 04, 2023 3:06 am
There's a story I never bothered to tell. Perhaps I thought it was too personal, or that it was something no one wants to hear. Perhaps I simply saw no merit in sharing it.
But I recall there was once a fancy man who wanted to see how the tapestry of the tale of a meteor continues to be woven. There's surely curiosities to be sated out there.
May the virgin minds gaze in shock and horror at the joy I found in a place no one dared me to look, for below is the journal entry I wrote a week after I was deflowered.
----------
Although my surgery went well, I believed a part of me will always feel broken due to my adolescence. But a few weeks ago, I had a vision while meditating in a dream, of reincarnating as a girl in a peaceful family. It was nothing out of the ordinary, yet I felt so relieved. I felt complete in a way I never had before, and even after I woke up from the vision and the dream, I felt a lingering sense of contentment. To this day, I still let that feeling carry me like the wind.
As I reflect on that dream, my mind wanders to a more material manifestation of contentment that followed.
I've had plenty of spiritual sexual experiences before, but last week I finally lost my vaginal virginity physically. It was the same as I'd gotten used to astrally and in dreams, just with pain as well, due to my partner's unusual size; like being torn apart, but I liked it. It was cathartic and made me feel alive, and soon my arousal and pleasure drowned out the pain anyway, to the point that it was like a bonus if anything. I asked a sexologist about something similar recently, and she said there's nothing strange about it; and she's right. Whereas the takeaway could've been that there's something deeply special about finally acting out the sexual fantasies I'd had since I was 14 over a decade later, to the point that I happily power through even the discomfort, I realise that when it comes down to it, my experiences are surprisingly normal; and I'm okay with that.
It just feels right. In general, my life feels right. And now I know I don't need all these scars on my soul.
And I think that's the answer I really wanted to find this life: that it's okay for me to enjoy being the way I am, and be happy.
I chose this body because it represented the loose ends in my past lives. But it doesn't have to be this way; I can let go of those regrets and allow myself to heal.
That realisation is what it took to convince me.
But I recall there was once a fancy man who wanted to see how the tapestry of the tale of a meteor continues to be woven. There's surely curiosities to be sated out there.
May the virgin minds gaze in shock and horror at the joy I found in a place no one dared me to look, for below is the journal entry I wrote a week after I was deflowered.
----------
Although my surgery went well, I believed a part of me will always feel broken due to my adolescence. But a few weeks ago, I had a vision while meditating in a dream, of reincarnating as a girl in a peaceful family. It was nothing out of the ordinary, yet I felt so relieved. I felt complete in a way I never had before, and even after I woke up from the vision and the dream, I felt a lingering sense of contentment. To this day, I still let that feeling carry me like the wind.
As I reflect on that dream, my mind wanders to a more material manifestation of contentment that followed.
I've had plenty of spiritual sexual experiences before, but last week I finally lost my vaginal virginity physically. It was the same as I'd gotten used to astrally and in dreams, just with pain as well, due to my partner's unusual size; like being torn apart, but I liked it. It was cathartic and made me feel alive, and soon my arousal and pleasure drowned out the pain anyway, to the point that it was like a bonus if anything. I asked a sexologist about something similar recently, and she said there's nothing strange about it; and she's right. Whereas the takeaway could've been that there's something deeply special about finally acting out the sexual fantasies I'd had since I was 14 over a decade later, to the point that I happily power through even the discomfort, I realise that when it comes down to it, my experiences are surprisingly normal; and I'm okay with that.
It just feels right. In general, my life feels right. And now I know I don't need all these scars on my soul.
And I think that's the answer I really wanted to find this life: that it's okay for me to enjoy being the way I am, and be happy.
I chose this body because it represented the loose ends in my past lives. But it doesn't have to be this way; I can let go of those regrets and allow myself to heal.
That realisation is what it took to convince me.
